This post is a response to Jacinta Tynan’s article Mothers Superior in Sunday Life (link not currently available).
Do you find the world of ‘mummy bloggers’ judgmental? Do you think the world is judgmental in general?
As a society we seem to have found ourselves on a path that suggests that when someone has made a particular choice that’s ‘right for them’ you are discouraged from expressing your own opinion about it lest you be judged as judgmental… ironically. To me, there should be a distinction made between using your judgement and being judgmental.
I think that when you have divergent opinions it’s good to agree to disagree, but you have to get the ‘disagreement’ bit out in order to that. I don’t consider an opinion that differs to my own to automatically mean that you are “judgmental”, I really don’t. If you do things differently to me and want to let me know why, please do. Just come out with it, I can take it and I promise I won’t call you superior, vitriolic, spiteful or berating!
I hold strong about the way we parent the Tsunamis but I know our way isn’t the only way. I also understand that some people are more black and white about the world in general than I am and I respect that people often do express themselves very firmly (even a little harshly) when they are talking about matters that mean a whole lot to them. I don’t have a problem with that, in fact I encourage it – when something riles you, it riles you and it’s okay to express that. Life isn’t always about holding hands and singing Kumbayah (fortunately).
It’s good for the heart and the head to hear different views and I sincerely believe that the best way to parent is to find out as much as you can about all kinds of parenting styles and then be open to new ways of doing things. Healthy debate is the best way I know to discover what you really believe in. And one thing I know for sure is that it certainly isn’t fair to brand everyone with an opinion that differs to your own as ‘judgmental’.
Do you think there is a difference between using judgement and being judgmental? Do you feel judged by fellow bloggers? Does it bother you either way?
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Corinne says
I can honestly say I have never felt judged by other mummy bloggers. I have been given advice or opinions, but I have never felt that I have been judged.
If anything it’s been the complete opposite – support, compassion, empathy are the only things that have come from other mummy bloggers.
In my experience other mummy bloggers have been nothing but respectful and my views have differed to many.
I know that what’s right for me may not be right for someone else and vice versa. It’s also good to look at things from another perspective, but at the end of the day I have to decide what’s best for my family.
alliecat says
I haven’t felt judged in the blog world. But maybe my following isn’t broad enough to incite hateful comments! Like Corinne, I have had mostly sympathy, empathy, support and encouragement.
But I think judgement is different to being judgmental. If ‘whomever’ writes a post about smacking their kid, or allowing some sort of toy I don’t approve of, I make a judgement that it’s ok for them but not for me. But I’m not necessarily being judgemental of them. Having said that, if I tend to disagree I more than likely just won’t comment. I’m not really into stirring up hornets nests!
If someone IRL is judgmental of me, I take that point of view and try to learn from it. More often that no, I’ll discard their comments like rubbish, but it does present a form of self review which can be healthy and useful.
Posie Patchwork says
Without having read the article . . . this is always going down, i think the most important point is that no one else is living your life & knows what is really going on. You can fake sweetness on your blog & beat your children, who would know??!! My children, real life friends, my school mums & people in my industry read my blog so i’d look like an idiot if i lied. I am very confident, so i let negative judgements slide off me & don’t take it personally.
In the end, i’m happy, love MY life & sure i could bang on about cloth nappies, breastfeeding, marriage, big families & being a stay at home mother, whatever, each to their own, my husband & children love me, that’s all i care about.
Finally, reading a blog or email or article can be completely misinterpreted – very different to an actual conversation with hand actions, verbal cues & a wink. Love Posie
Kristi says
I always feel more judged when people don’t tell me what their thinking…even when I can see they ARE thinking something! I think its good to have your ideas challenged, it makes for good hearty conversation and healthy, honest relationships with people.
Gifts of Serendipity says
Welcome back gorgeous ‘Bella’!
In response to your question I believe it’s all in the delivery.
To live a life without being judgemental is a very difficult thing and probably not healthy because this would mean that you were accepting blithely, without question, all that was put before you.
The WAY in which you react and respond to things that are new, different, unusual or contrary to your beliefs, is an indicator [I believe] of both your personality and character.
Yes, we will all have to deal with criticism.
Yes, we may be judged harshly and even incorrectly.
Yes, there will be people who disagree vehemently with us.
Yes, we shall all respond to these challenges differently and…
Yes, this is the ‘difference’ that makes the world go round.
x Felicity
PinkPatentMaryJanes says
Great post and fabulous comments. I think a lot of it has to do with confidence. If you feel confident in yourself and your parenting judgement won’t get you down as much. Like all the others above, I think it’s important to listen to others, but, as we know, our children are all so individual that there is no one right way.
Welcome back lovely, I missed you! And thank you so much for the opportunity to share your fabulous space x
Jane says
I feel that I get 100% support and niceness. BUT there are a number of places one can visit (Alphamummy Blog on the UK Times website was one before they started charging for it) where you can see all kind of hate, malice, spite and judgemental comments, mostly of the SAHM mums versus working mothers variety.
I agree people are politically correct these days. If you don’t agree you should be able to say so. But as you say, disagreeing is not the same as saying ‘your view is inappropriate and you are damaging your child’.
I agree with the comment above that people who are very judgemental often lack confidence. They feel very threatened by people who do things differently to them because they are not that sure of their initial decision in the first place.
Have a happy day. xo
x0xJ says
I think i’m with you.
I have my way of doing things. I’ve accepted that i need to trust my gut regardless of what other people may think, and just do what works for us, in the moment. If i find it isn’t working, then i decide that it isn’t MYSELF and i choose what path we take next.
I am open to advice. Heck i even ask for it! But it also doesn’t mean i will take it. I just want to consider multiple options.
This all being said, yes i have felt incredibly judged by some people. I think it depends on my mood also asto how i take things. Sometimes it’s all groovy, other’s i will get a bit hurt, but unless i feel an outright and obvious attack then i just try to leave it. Some people do attack you though sadly in this world. They cannot understand why you don’t agree with them.
I am like you in the way of even if i disagree i will ask questions just to better understand the decision you made. Not to question your decision, but i am the first to admit i don’t know everything, and i enjoy learning more about things around me.
And afterall, i love a good debate. I like having my beliefs challenged so i can ask myself if this is really the right decision for me, and KNOW in myself that i am 100% doing the right thing.
Melbourne Mumma says
Interesting post. No I haven’t felt judged by fellow bloggers.
I’ve been given ideas and suggestions or other opinions…but not in a negative way.
Perhaps we associate being judged as a negative thing. However I think we’re all entitled to assess someone’s opinion on something. Surely our thoughts and being able to judge something and form an opinion is part of how every human thinks!
Totally agree with you on healthy debate and looking at things in a variety of ways. Regarding parenting, and many other things for that matter. x
Mama Cass says
Hmmm, in my experience I would have to say that I think there are definitely bloggers out there who judge…they just don’t commment, is all.
I can tell a lot more people actually read my blog but they don’t necessarily comment – perhaps they are judging me and don’t want to let me know. Remember, it might also reflect badly on them too.
The only shared comments I get are always positive, which is lovely and sometimes quite unexpected. You are one of those kind bloggers 🙂
Lucy says
I have read her article.
A few things struck me about the article:
– It seemed to me to be a typically Jacinta piece – tabloid-esque and fairly trite.
– It was another one of her bits of writing that smacks, to me, of a brand new Mum with a very small exposure to what she is writing about.
– It was more of her I “dare to be “different and speak out” self congratulatory bits of writing.
Call me an old hand, but whenever I read her knee jerk journalism, it simply strikes me as naive.
Sure, I’m sure that there are a few judgmental types online, if you go looking for them.
Parenting experts, parenting forums, mummy blogs….there are literally thousands of these across the web. Of course some will be perceived as judgemental, particularly to the insecure.
Anyone, Jacinta included, that feels judged – just click away and go find somewhere else that feels more like home, or more like your preferred “tribe”.
It’s not hard.
I have been kicking around blogging and forums and online communities for over six years, as a WAHM.. Have I felt judged? Sure, but only very occasionally. Do I care? Am I naive enough to think this is a new or newsworthy phenomenon? Nope.
ClaireyH says
I am with Lucy, find your spot in the Internet world andnyou hang there. If I don’t like a post or blog style, I just don’t hang out there, I don’t leave a nasty comment or try and persuade the writer to change before I go though.
There are mummy issues, feeding, immunizing, co sleeping that constantly causes mums to bicker, i can’t be bothered reading them any more, and certainly wouldn’t comment on posts about such issues.
I don’t feel judged by my readers, not really sure what they think, most of my friends just use my blog to catch up with me. But yes, I do judge other writers on what they write, you have to, how else do you decide who you want to follow, or read again, making that choice is making a judgement every time.
life in a pink fibro says
I had the same response as Lucy to the article in question. All I could think was ‘here we go again – and do we really need to’? Women are always judging each other. It’s what we do. The key is to hold firm in your own little world and just get on with things. And if you don’t like the heat, stop going back into the kitchen (so to speak). I love the different views and opinions that the blogging world holds. I don’t agree with all of them. But I’m glad they’re there.
Mrs Woog says
Someone recently send me an article on Mummy Wars and thought I should blog about it…. but you know what. I really couldn’t be bothered. I do not think I could crack any new ground.
I made a conscience effort recently to adapt the outlook of “ïf you do not like the way I mother, lucky you! Because I ain’t your mother.” I used to really really stress about what other people thought of me and as soon as I realised how stupid I was being – my life changed for the better. i simply do not care now – If I am happy and the Woogs are happy, then I am doing a great job. As far as judging, it is really ingrained in most of us, but I never offer an opinion up unless asked and try to kerb my judgy smudgy attitude if I feel it coming. Because what makes me better than anyone else? Nadda. xo
Ninotchka says
Love Mrs Woogs comment on mothering – I think thats my new mantra.
I haven’t had any judgemental vibe on my blog, but I’m happy to allow others to hold their own opinions…. its the spice of life right? If it really bugs you there’s always the delete button 🙂
Naomi says
I feel supported and have only found kindness. I don’t have time for worrying about being judged ~ life is too short for that. People will think what they want about me and my blog and I don’t have time to be judging others either. I love learning what others are doing in relation to parenting – I like to pick out the best bits I feel apply to me and put them into practice. I do like your blog though. Naomi x
Tenille says
Oh dear, Fairfax couldn’t help themselves and thought they’d try for a sequel. Don’t they know how rare it is for the second to better the first?
Curvaceous Queen says
Utter Twaddle. Welcome to the real world, littered with judgement, opinion and rhetoric disguised as research.
Ultimately we as mature people have to take responsibility for our choices. Once you take responsibility you remove the ability of others to affect your choices.
Perhaps Ms Tynan would be better serve learning to own it. Oh sorry that’s really judgemental right?
Cat says
Is there something wrong with my world when I feel more judged by people who know me in real life than my bloggy buddies? Honestly, I’ve struggled with telling people I know well that I blog cos I don’t want that judgement. I’m so glad I have a little space in the blogosphere where somehow I’ve found like-minded people who I am more than happy to accept advice from. In the beginning I didn’t share much and I followed all manner of people who I’ve since stopped reading as the “fit” just wasn’t right for me. But, I’m hardly a big fish and honestly, I don’t say things that are highly controversial on the whole.
x
ps. Mrs Woog speaks such truth though!
Annette says
There is definitely a difference between “judging” or using our opinion and being judgemental. I prefer to hear others opinions, and I am okay with it if they are not my own–often others’ opinions give me a new perspective that I just didn’t see before.
I’ll be honest. In bloggyland, if I have a different opinion on a post, I usually won’t mention it. Instead, I just won’t comment on the post. I know. I know. I need to get better with this. Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid of being labeled “judgemental”? Very interesting…
Aubrey S. says
I just wanted to say thank you for always making me think.