This article in the Wall Street Journal* by Amy Chua is brilliant. It presents a completely different view on parenting, one that to me seems so radical that I am still taking it in. I literally did a double-take at some of her words. There are many ways to parent and I don’t think we talk about the different styles enough. I am fascinated when a new way of doing things is opened up to me.
Key quotes from the article include:
What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it.
To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work…
Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them.
As a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child’s self-esteem is to let them give up.
The techniques used by Chinese parents are completely different to our Western parenting style, but possibly not so different to the way our own parents were raised. They make sense. They really do. I liked what Amy had to say, but I wonder how ‘success’ is actually defined by Chinese parents. It seems they have more of a focus on ‘succeeding’ in academic and professional life than I have. Certainly the parents appear to strictly define what their child’s life will be like and then mold their child to suit this expectation, which I have quite an issue with. But I can also see that there is a strong emphasis on insisting their child be the absolute best they can be and I think that has enormous merit. “They assume strength, not fragility,” explains Amy.
I just wonder if LOML and I would ever have the stamina (and the guts!) to parent the Tsunamis ‘Chinese-style’. It would take a lot of patience and fortitude. I wonder how differently those Tsunamis of mine would turn out under the Chinese method? Would I be pleased or faintly horrified?
It makes you wonder about the influence we have as parents and the critical role we play in shaping our children’s lives. I think a balance between the Chinese and Western styles would be the ideal. Strict, but gentle. Conform… but in your own way.
In Real Life says
Wow, thank you for sharing this article, it is definitely thought provoking! It is so interesting to learn about different approaches to things, especially parenting styles.
Caz (The Truth About Mummy) says
I do often wonder what our current ‘Child Centered’ parenting style will mean for future generations. I think, on the most part, it will produce more confident well balanced people – but there is always a counter affect! Very interesting Reading. Thanks Maxabella 🙂
Cate says
Children will always rise to the occasion – the trick is where to set the level they should rise to. Too low and they don’t reach their potential, too high and you might set them up for failure. But ‘all’ children learn to walk, talk and read because we ‘know’ they will. We never allow them to doubt that they can in the same we we doubt them when they are faced with a difficult long division sum or and endless french translation text.
One of my all time favourite research articles, and the one that most informs my own teaching pedogogy was a study that showed that it is not only our expectations that changes how high they rise, but also the words we use when we speak to them. The study took two groups of highly intellegent students and had them do an easy puzzle. The first group were then told how ‘smart’ they were for doing the puzzle. The second group were praised for they efforts (not their intellegence).
Next the two groups were offered the choice of another easy puzzle or a difficult one. The students from the ‘smart’ group tended to choose the easy puzzle, while the students from the ‘effort’ group went for the difficult puzzle.
The conclusion being that the ‘smart’ students were afraid of failing because they would lose their praise. Whereas the ‘effort’ students knew as long as they tried their best they would still be praised for their efforts.
Long winded comment, I know, but it is a pet topic with me. So I loved this post!!
xxxCate
Kerry says
That was an incredibly interesting article and great to have that insight into what makes Asian kids so successful academically. My kids are grown up. I think I could have used some Chinese style parenting for a few years there! But it’s intense isn’t it? And it makes me wonder about a few things. I’m sure I’ll be pondering this all day 🙂
Jaz from Treacy Travels says
Wohoo! What a great debate. Excellent food for thought.
I totally disagree with the first point. Is perfection the only source of fun??
I totally agree with the third. I don’t actually demand perfect grades from my kids. But when I was teaching I always expected great things, there own individual great things. Children can achieve amazing things if someone believes in them (oh and if they in turn believe in themselves)
Thanks for this read Maxabella!!
Just Martha says
Your blog is fast becoming one of my favourites because it is so interesting and thought provoking. I like this too a-n-d i like the comments…
therhythmmethod says
In a former life, I worked at Monash University. In my faculty, they introduced interviews for the Bachelor of Medicine (MBBS) program as it was felt grades weren’t enough to establish whether or not someone should train to become a doctor. Many of the brightest students turned out to be the worst doctors because they had spent so much time studying, they were terrible at connecting with people, and therefore patients.
I agree it is great to learn of different parenting styles – and perhaps a mix of styles is best. High achievement for the sake of high achievement is not necessarily good for making well rounded, socially adjusted people who can easily adapt to the many and varied challenges life throws at us.
Thanks for the informative reading. 🙂
MultipleMum says
What an awesome article. I love the Eastern thinking. It is just so different from my own.
Amy is hard-core huh? Such intensity. And we complain about Ground Hog day! Can you imagine being committed enough to the piano piece for that gruelling 2-3 day experience? I want to read her book.
Cate’s comments above are really interesting too.
My favourite quote was the last paragraph:
“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away”.
Great post!
tBirdie says
I read this article as well & felt like as a mom I do want to set high standards for my son, but I also want to be able to let him know that it is okay to *fail* sometimes. So hard to find a balance.
Clara says
I’ve been eating up every bit of press about this and believe that it is just way over the top. Our children must be loved first and foremost as that is what gives them the confidence and security in life to succeed as well rounded individuals. Fear,ridicule and punishment produce anger, resentment, hatred and sometimes violence.
april says
I like the idea of expecting the best of your child – but it not being the end of the world if they don’t make it.
I went to a very ‘prestigious’ school(god knows how I ended up there or how i survived) I had so many friends who were torn apart and hated themselves and were suffering from depression and anxiety and terror in case they didn’t do well enough in exams or at school.
I think expecting perfection by outside standards is wrong.
Want the best, encourage the best, but never make your child feel like they have let you down if they don’t achieve perfection.
Sorry – not very coherent :s
Stacia says
Is it possible to love your children for who they are and push them to their limits at the same time? I don’t know. But that question is the crux of it for me. I do know that I am a lover, not a pusher. (Oh, how that could be taken out of context!) =>
Sarah says
Firstly, I love that your fellow flicks you interesting reading.
Secondly, I was thinking about my own two children reading your post (haven’t read the article yet). I have a staunch little non-conformist who is not motivated by praise or external expectations – she has such a strong will and I think she’d be so miserable in this type of situation.
My boy, on the other hand, lives to please. He is also strong willed, but responds very positively to praise and guidance. Maybe we could tailor our parenting to their differences – a little Chinese pressure parenting for him. liberal western free spirited style for her!
Naturally Carol says
Your children are probably…not always…similar to yourself and your husband in temperament. I reckon if you think about what learning methods, encouragement or discipline really works for you…without destroying your spirit…it will probably be the best for your child. If you know there is a method that hasn’t worked on you…left you with scars…don’t use it on your child. Emulate the methods of those who have taught you well and whose methods you admire because they brought excellence into your life successfully!
Cate says
tBirdie raises a really good point too – giving kids the opputunity to fail at something not only builds their resilience, but also teaches them that success is not guaranteed and that shouldn’t stop us from trying something (ie not every child wins a prize!!)
xxxCate
Laura, Happy Homemaker UK says
My husband was just telling me about this WSJ article but hadn’t had a chance to see it – thank you for the key points – so interesting. Love that you call your kiddos ‘tsunamis’ 🙂 Delighted to find your blog via Life On Baby Planet. Have a wonderful rest of your weekend XOL
Posie Patchwork says
First of all, my husband (a soldier) sends me parenting articles as well, his helpful way to coparent our 4 children away from home.
Ok, so i have 4 academically gifted children, they are all very different. Encouraging 4 at the same time on my own . . . well i’m a uni educated housewife so i allow the time to guide them, but not force. 3 love homework, devour it, it’s easy, but my creative bohemian one, completely different. She implodes if you nudge, so while she’ll get great marks in the end, the process is completely different, this can include her sitting on my lap at her desk & we discover together, while her twin has already finished hours earlier, perfectly. This is 4th grade.
I came from an over achieving family but we were never forced, my parent’s motto “do your best so you can choose what you want to do & not let your marks choose”. Worked well, they have a rocket scientist, surgeon, ballerina & pharmacologist for children.
I fear the Chinese method doesn’t include personality allowances, patience or any room to be ok if you’re not brilliant. My sister wasn’t academic, but a gifted ballerina & model, my parents let her leave school early to follow that, instead of making her feel a failure just because she wasn’t book smart.
You’ve got to have room to move, i believe in happy healthy children, not burnt out ones who hate themselves & don’t have support. My 4 are athletes & social too, 3 still in primary school – really, letting them be children now, their IQ will remain, with a good strong work ethic, be it school, sport or chores, leave it for high school when they are older & can handle it!! FYI i’ve never sent them on a gifted camp or course, i think that is too weird. I’ll be proud if they are happy, i’m not living my life through them either!!
What’s it all for anyway?? I have 2 science degrees & sew for a living, much happier & my parents couldn’t be prouder!! Love Posie
_vTg_ says
Beaten to a post, and very eloquently!
I am also not a regular WSJ reader (though it is a very nice in-real-life read when I’ve been stuck at airports: I love its pen-and-ink images), but I do dabble in the New York Times, where the Chinese Mother Theory was resolutely slammed.
I’m half-interested to read the book. I couldn’t decide how much of the article was tongue-in-cheek. I agree with the “assume strength, not fragility” strategy, but that whole donkey-music-on-the-piano saga. Pick your battles, and live your own life. Certainly children need parents’ time invested in them, but maybe they also need to see their parents have a sense of perspective.
ClaireyH says
I read this last week and loved it too. For me, I couldn’t do this even if I wanted, I can’t play an instrument or speak other languages etc so no point making my child play til 2am!
I can clearly see her points though, and found it a great article to explain cultures and our thoughts, especially around a childs self esteem, we worry about building it, they expect it is already high and if not will be built by the child achieving.
Life In A Pink Fibro says
I have been thinking about the article and this post all day. I agree with you that we can take something from the Chinese parenting style. But what I wonder is whether it works for everyone. Yes, they get good grades at school, but then what? What happens when Mum is no longer there telling them what to do? Or is Mum always there? Scary.
Just wondering if Chinese super parents turn out super kids – or just another generation of Chinese super parents.
Naomi @ Under the Yardarm says
I read this yesterday and then went away to think on it. I have also read the article.
I wonder if all this pushing and expecting is for the children or the parent?
I am saddened that children parented this way have no say, and are constantly pushed… where in this type of parenting do the children learn resilience or initiative? Where is the time for play and learning all important life skills, like socialisation and self regulation?
Play and downtime are fundamental to a child’s development -for the development of pathways in the brain – for life – a childhood full of structured parent driven activity can be detrimental to the way that child interacts, reacts and functions when away from the constant direction of parents.
I felt really saddened by the article, and the thought of drilling a child with practice tests until they get an A.
I am happy to let my children find their own path, pushing them when needs, and also stepping back and letting them make and learn from their own mistakes. My children only have one life and I’d like them to have a voice in how they live it.
Kelly says
Very interesting ideas, I can’t imagine pushing my children in that way but I can see how it might work for some.
Marion Williams-Bennett says
I heard an interview with amy Chua and came away with a different take on the book and the whole philosophy.
To me, it leaves out the individual nature of our children and assumes that they will be good at everything and at any cost. Part of the book talks about an A- is a bad grade, that you have to be the best at everything. It also talked about how the found her daughter gnawing on the piano.
I want the best for my daughter, and encourage her to succeed. And maybe I give up too soon, I can see that. And maybe she will be the laggard while all the tiger-mother’s children are succeeding. Still, I need to honor who she is,and support her in the things that she is not so good at. And if she ever starts gnawing on the things that I am making her do, I may rethink making her do them.
Maxabella says
I am enjoying all the comments today.
Amy’s methods are certainly hard-core. I could never even imagine raising a child in this way! I think I like the philosophy more than the application.
For me, it is just good to talk about different ways to parent as it makes you consider and challenge my own methods. I definitely ‘give up’ too easily and I think I need to be made of sterner stuff. x
Cat from Raspberry Rainbow says
Very timely article for us, as we move to Hong Kong soon, and we need to choose either a local (Chinese) school for our almost 5 year old, either home school her, or spend a small fortune to send her to an international school.
I like some of the Chinese ways, but could never follow all of them, I feel they are too harsh and leave little room for individual personalities. At the same time, I know I can learn from some of their ways. Any thing to help me navigate parenting, I am all for – it is a challenging job!
Rachael (Tales from the Village) says
Interesting, isn’t it? My little sister had a best friend at school who was Chinese, and brought up to excel academically. All four siblings did exceptionally well at school and university. They just accepted hard work as something they did. Hmmmm. I wonder if I don’t push mine *enough*? I’m so laid back about school.
Naomi says
I have read this and still pondering my thoughts on this – some parts I love others are not quite sitting right with me.
I have loved reading others comments about it. Cheers, naomi x
Christie - Childhood 101 says
I would actually like to read the book, without the media hype, to truly understand more of this approach, not because I agree with it (or even want to) but because I think it would provide some really interesting insight into an alternative form of parenting. And while I understand, it is just one person’s story, I think it will be very interesting reading.
life and the little things... says
Hmmm, Chinese style parenting? I think I’m going to give that a bit of a go every now and then!! In fact, I think I’ll apply some of it to myself. I need to be more bossy with me and push myself harder!! That way the kiddo’s might absorb some the Chinese method ; )
Great read. Always good to read about different parenting styles and take from it what works for you. Alison