No, this isn’t a man-hating post (har, har, I crack myself up… I hope you read my title, otherwise I’ll just be looking like a total nutter right about now… maybe still?) ANYWAY.
No, this is a post about putting down the ‘juggling balls’ of motherhood. I hate to tell you this, but I’m SO sick of that expression that I just want to scream. The hysteria-inducing media talks about the ‘juggle’ of motherhood, my friends talk about ‘keeping all the balls in the air’, my friendly bloggers blog about ‘dropping the balls’… if we stepped back and took a good look at our society right now, you’d think that mothers belonged in the circus.
Ask any real juggler and they’ll tell you that juggling is lots and lots of fun but also the most stressful thing they’ll ever do. Well, I only know one actual juggler, and that’s what he said. “Juggling more than three balls is like trying to give 100% concentration to more than one thing at the same time,” he said. “Yes, I know, that’s impossible, but somehow you just make it work. But it’s beyond stressful trying to focus on one ball while you’re looking at another. The satisfaction of ‘the catch’ is solid, but gone in an instant. You catch, you feel the thud, then you throw it straight back in the air again.”
“The satisfaction of the catch is solid, but gone in an instant” – how many of us can relate to that? We are only barely finished with one accomplishment before we’re moving quickly onto the next. Our lives become moments of fleeting satisfaction, barely acknowledged.
Is it just me who thinks ‘No freaking way. That’s not how I want to live.’
If you feel like your life is a constant juggle, I think you need to put down the balls for an evening and really take stock of what you’re doing with your life. While those balls are on the ground, you could give yourself a nice little foot massage with them while you think about things like:
What am I doing that doesn’t really need doing?
What am I doing that I could be more efficient at?
What am I doing that someone else could be doing?
What do I need to do to make that happen?
I did this task many, many years ago. I was a juggler. I felt out of control. I had just gone back to work (in a new job) after my maternity leave with Cappers. I was terrified of all I needed to do and in a state of constant momentum. I didn’t feel capable of being a wife, a mother of two under 2 who didn’t want to sleep, a friend, a boss, a colleague, a daughter, a sister, an aunt and CEO of my own messy house. I felt physically sick from being wired on adrenalin 24/7.
I didn’t make many changes. I’m still all those things, but I made small changes that helped me get a handle on it all. I still do those things today.
Things like not going to every social occasion I am invited to. Maybe not even going to any if I’d rather be at home doing something quiet with my family. Things like watching only one or two television shows a week instead of 4 or 5. Things like reading less books so I have a bit of time for blogging. Like building up a support network of people – both paid and friend – that works like a dream. Like hiring a gardener to help me keep on top of a space that’s important to me. And doing my own cleaning because if I go hard for a couple of hours, that’s a clean house and a work-out right there. Not reading silly women’s magazines (okay, sometimes, but not always!); not seeking a promotion at work so I can contain my obligations there; not going on time-sucky and sometimes just plain sucky Facebook; spending as much time as I can outside; working really hard to not feel guilty about any of my choices if I know I did the best I could at the time.
The number one change I made, though, was the decision to not compare myself to what anyone else was doing. I don’t want to keep up with those over-indulged, vacuous, aggressive Joneses any more. They can live the way they want to live, and I’ll just be doing my thing over here.
You’ve got to let some of it go, because if you’re living in a constant state of stress, something has to give. You can’t sustain it. If your body manages to withstand the constant pressure, your mind certainly won’t. You won’t be happy, you can’t be happy if you’re constantly stressed to the max. When you’re sitting there, taking stock, think about how many of those balls are weighted with other people’s expectations. How many are ones you juggle to please others or to maintain a standard. They’re probably the first ones you can get rid of.
Jane@flightplatformliving says
brilliant post as always! i cant juggle and have never had any desire to do so, but i do talk about plate spinning in my ‘about me’ page so i suppose thats where i belong in the circus! i do say though that i am a plate dropper and tilly throws the rest of them! i dont care if plates/balls drop, i love my writing, blogging, art studio, friends, hubby, garden and the rest of life will just have to fit in if it can! xxxxxx
MummyK says
Read your women’s mags in the toilet while doing a number two π That’s why my who magazine is called the poo magazine hahahaha
Ms Styling You says
I hate the juggle – some days it works; others it doesn’t. Best thing I’ve learned to do is not beat myself up when it doesn’t.
Megan Blandford says
Love your outlook. xx
Georgie says
No balls here. Just sitting back with a glass of wine enjoying the view. gxo
My New Normal says
I love the part about not comparing yourself to others. I need to work on not doing that as much.
Melanie says
Can we all say *SIMPLIFY*? I love the post and have many time had to drop a ball to realize I’m getting caught up in the juggling act, again. But then I just start over again and life is good.
It’s so neat to just enjoy your kids and their lives because it’s so fleeting. I don’t want to miss a moment!
Thanks for reminding us of that!
katiecrackernuts says
Amen to that. I like your kinda circus sister.
Kymmie says
This blog post is pure gold, Bron. I love it. And in January after living on pure adrenalin for about a year and getting sooooo awfully sick, it was time for me to put down the balls. To reassess my priorities and work out what is really important. Now it’s May, I think it’s time to do it again. After all, it’s good to reasses things every now and then. I joined the gym, and then my husband made things easier in the kitchen with the thermomix. There, I just bought myself around the same time as I needed to go to the gym!
Love how you juggle your life to make it work. And if you ask me, I think keeping up with the Joneses’ is just as exhausting!
This post is one of the reasons why I love to visit here. xx
deux chiens et un garcon says
Wrote about a few of thess things today. That are important to me.
Defintely doing less.
Its ok to be uncool and not seen the latest, read the latest. Gently gently .
Have decided if it doesnt work for our family I’m not doing it.
Cheers to you.
jill x
Love in a B and B says
Well this is timely post as something DID give this week. Just spent 24 hours in hospital with a mega-migraine that had lasted 7 days… Time to reassess the too many roles, too many jobs thing going on here in the B&B and will be taking on some of your excellent suggestions: ditching the TV, getting a gardener and learning to say no (!) are high on the list. Thanks for your great posts.
Jodie Ansted says
Great post, hon. Wise words indeed.
I’ve talked about being a juggler. Hell, I’ve blogged about it. No more…!
I know someone too who chooses not to use the term ‘life is busy’, rather that, ‘life is full’.
I like that too.
Denyse Whelan says
Thanks to your sensible and practical thoughts here I hope many more will ‘get it’.
I am beyond those terrible years of ‘the keeping up’ yet I know how easy it was to fall into the trap of comparisons to others.
I must say that my kids’ generation – 1970s kids is learning to say ‘no’ more than I did. I knew (still do) when I over-did it. For me it was about balancing – not a juggler – and if mum (me) wasn’t in balance, I needed to do something about it.
My body and my mood tell me.
My systems which helped have all been mentioned by others…it is the REMEMBERING that we need help with…a timely reminder…Thanks X
MultipleMum says
Sometimes we don’t have a choice in which how many balls we have to juggle, but I agree that we have some control over them and we should keep ourselves in check from time to time. We are all different and can cope with different levels of stress so comparing ourselves to others is fruitless. A wonderful reflection x
Phil & Bern says
So timely. Am just doing a task on multitasking. Thought before I started it, I was fairly good at it. Turns out the more I examined myself, I’m pretty shit at it. I start a LOT of stuff and finish hardly any of it.
I need to take time out and just think. Seriously, just think about what is important. Because right now I’m not prioritising the important stuff or people.
Thank you. xx
Bern
melissa says
Timely post! π I went for back massage instead though…
Well, despite my use of the phrase I’m actually pretty happy with the balance I have going.
However, there are always going to be high pressure times and low pressure times. I try to make sure the high pressure times don’t overwhelm us by having some flex in our lives to allow us to cope, and then we make the most of the low pressure times.
DH has a fairly relaxed schedule if he doesn’t take overtime – so we are lucky to have that flexibility to keep things on an even keel. If things are too much, he says no to overtime.
I’ve been meaning to post the outcome of my ‘experiment’ on not multitasking, and I must do it soon. Stopping that has made a huge difference to how overwhelmed I am by stuff.
Leanne says
I agree, life’s always going to be busy and demanding because stuff happens, but it’s important to stop every now and then and prioritise. (or smell the roses).
Naturally Carol says
I totally agree with your post..and may I say I have found I occasionally need to take a stand against those things that will try and wiggle their way in to try and take away my peace! I think that’s what happened last week..on two particular days I had to deal with a few of my own attitudes and some pressing external issues and now peace reigns again..until the next set of challenges anyway.
Shelley says
I agree totally. I gave myself six months grace after Miss A was born to get sucked up in the ‘oh life is so hard and I’m just so busy and there’s just not enough time for this, that and the other’. Then, I got my shit together. Went back to work full time (okay, so I have Missy with me which makes life easier in that respect), and yet somehow managed to find more time than ever to do everything that I needed to, plus all the things I want to do on top of it. I think it’s all about balance, not juggling. When the scales aren’t weighted the way you’d like, then change it. Fabulous post. xx
jody says
such a great post, it sums up how im sure alot of women feel. I am a juggler too, but have, like you said learnt not to compare myself to others and make time for me. x
Miss Pink says
I think we are all jugglers, and it’s not always about putting down those balls, but more learning the skill of slowing the juggle down, throwing the balls higher so you have longer until you have to catch it.
I agree with you on the housework, a couple of good solid hours a couple of times a week ensures that my house is pretty damn clean. Daily the dishes and laundry get done (trick is to fold the clothes as you get them off the line that way by the time you get the basket inside all you have to do is pop them in drawers, or call to those who can put them in their own drawers). I have a bath a couple of nights a week (although i do shower daily, sometimes with soap even!) which is “me time” and i read in there so i get “book time”, i reserve at least 1 day through the week where Greenie and i must stay home so i can be selfish and lazy, and i keep the things that make me happy (like crafting and online time) but i rotate them and never place too much pressure (craft without a timeline, but i must finish a project before starting another, blog when i can get something typed out, but if i don’t, i don’t).
I think there is a lot of pressure on women these days, especially with the big push for women to be career driven AND also be excellent housewives. But do we really need to worry about what others think so much? It doesn’t matter what you do there will always be someone there to tell you it’s “wrong” or that you should be doing more of this or that. In the end it’s your family, you find the balance to keep you all happy and yes, that includes yourself.
It does not surprise me Ms Maxabella, that you are a master at this! I shall call you Yoda?
Lizeylou says
Yet again you have made me stop and think about the decisions I am making. Just tonight I was grumpy with how out of control things seem to be getting with the kids and my days …. but once I have posted this comment I am going to have a nice shower, sit down, relax and have a good honest think about it all. Thank you x
Cate says
no I’m not that keen on too many balls in the air either. Sometimes you just need to put a few of them away and concentrate on making sure you do a really good job with just a couple instead of an awesomely crapulous job of twenty or thirty or forty.
A quote from the MASH character Charles Winchester always comes to mind in these sorts of situations “I do one job, I do it well, and then I move on.” There’s a lot to be said of this approach.
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
here here!!! power to you Bron! I’m so glad i know you in blogland and i can come and visit and get postive, real affirmation like this!! It’s all about what our neighbours are doing or what that mother at kinder is doing. Yep, we re-assess every now and again, and i think that’s the key right there. Don’t think one balanced way will work for ever or even a year….fluidity, continuum and ever evolving process. thats how i see and i see by your post so do you!
and i think everyone in life is a juggler, no? some just have more balls than others xx
Anna Bartlett says
I love your circus metaphor. Definitely applies some days. Am finding it easier to not compare myself with others now that I’m 40, and just to know that I’m doing the best I can. And I’m trying to say ‘no’ more to social engagements, and let me tell you, that feels great.
Diminishing Lucy says
I just asked Andrew if he thinks I juggle too much between him, the kids, the house, home, work, blog, writing, my Mum etc.
He told me without even a pause for breath that I am not a juggler, but the ring master…
Catch the Kids says
I think this is what’s called Mindfulness. It’s a skill I’m working on. Concentrating on what is happening in the moment rather than missing it in the rush.
Alice Becomes says
i don’t like to juggle – i have always enjoyed playing hooky, wagging, skipping responsibilities or, as you say, putting the balls down. I know this sounds terribly lazy and irresponsible but I do excel at doing nothing! Since becoming a mother, there are times when I get caught up in trying to juggle but all that really happens is that I get stressed out and miserable. It has never worked for me.
You write such worthwhile posts – loved this one!
Gill xo
Life In A Pink Fibro says
Great post. I can’t catch so I try not to give a toss. It seems to work okay.
edenland says
Maxabella, I love this sentiment. I always get to a point where I drop every single ball, run off, cry, come back and start again. Maybe I can just, you know … try juggling a few at a time.
Vanessa says
So true. Last week was a juggling week but I knew it in advance and called for all family members to pitch in. It all went wonderfully and the extra balls were due to an evening debate and extra music rehaearsals for a performance. Homme and I sat back on Friday night feeling really relaxed as we listened to the music performance.
Mama of 2 boys says
Yep. Said it before. You have the gift for getting in and reading minds. Everything you have said in this post is true. 100%. I don’t like to face the truth often, more so, skirt around the big issues and just deal with the smallish ones.
I never stop comparing myself to others. Worrying about being different from what the ‘others’ are doing. I am trying REALLY hard to let that one go. Because I think if I can do that successfully, the rest will take care of itself. So for me, that is my biggest ball to be put down. Thank you Maxabella :o)
Mrs Average says
Very well put. My balls were dropped long ago….. but you have reminded me (along with many others who have commented) that I can still to more. Mrs A x
1000 Homes of Happiness says
A lovely refelction…I juggle. I guess we all have our days when we drop the load but generally it seems to work for us. I do confess to getting some help (a cleaner) and a hubby that seems to have a sixth sense when things are getting on top. I thrive on the juggling…it keeps life interesting.
xoxox
Simoney says
BRILLIANT post.
Love it.
Think your thoughts are very wise.
Agree with you 100%.
Not just sucky up or stroking your ego.
Really really loved this.
Me I record any TV shows I want to watch using series link. We got rid of Sky and bought a freeview decoder with hard drive recorder so we get the best of MtSky without the rubbishy programming.
I decided NOT to watch this season of Desperate Housewives. Usually a fan. But somehow, not this time.
There’s 2 maybe 3 shows I record and watch. Survivor and American Idol are two of them – watch them with the kids. Good bonding/cuddling/reflecting on life time…!
And so I read more.
Because READING relaxes me more than TV watching. Or blogging. But the blogging is my number one computer thing. Not FB or Twiitter; those are just my blog post spam-slaves. Hahaha.
And my kids don’t go to endless afterschool activities. they play with the neighbours; have freinds over; one sport each.
You can’t do it all; something has to give.
the Joneses ARE over-rated and I’ll bet they will be having triple-bypasses at age 45.
x
Hi I'm Rhonda. says
I used to be a juggler and I’ve put the balls down. I made some changes and figured out what works best to leave me less stressed.
neenaballerina says
First time reader π Love this post. Thank you!! I’m about to go back to fulltime work with three littlies under 6 and I know I’m no superwoman. I’m going to print this post to remind myself that if we’re honest, everyone struggles and that it’s ok to juggle less if I need to π
neenaballerina says
First time reader π Love this post. Thank you!! I’m about to go back to fulltime work with three littlies under 6 and I know I’m no superwoman. I’m going to print this post to remind myself that if we’re honest, everyone struggles and that it’s ok to juggle less if I need to π
Frog, Goose and Bear says
I am constantly trying to find more ways to simplify my life. I need to find more balls to drop, but I seem to be stuck with quite a few of them… I think your tips are perfect – I have employed quite a few of those myself. Unfortunately for me, one of them had to be my blog. As much as I’d love to be doing it every day, something just had to give and it is now only a couple of times a week – but I’m still here!
I love your philosophy of not worrying about what others are doing and just doing what works for you. Things always look different from the outside – those Jones’s really aren’t all they’re cracked up to be!
Caz Makepeace says
I am juggling like crazy lately and am finding ways to slow it down. I really love the sentiment of this post. I think we often have to step back and evaluate our lives- what we can cull and optimize in order to reduce our juggling load.
I am planning a move back to Thailand at the end of the year, as the affordable lifestyle means I can juggle a lot less, and spend more of that time on me and the things I love doing. I can hire a maid, and eat out every day- two major time consuming tasks I don’t like gone! AndI can get a $5 massage at least once a wekk.
the textured leaf says
Great post!
(like you need to hear it from me…)
I stopped and reassessed things last friday while enjoying a glass or two of port, wonderful winters drink that, and found that I went about doing nothing I should have been doing for the entire day. Yes! I had my first glass around 10:00 in the morning. I dont know about anyone else but when I decide to slow down I stop completely.
I especially love where you wrote to ask ourselves the four questions, in particular ‘What am I doing that someone else could be doing?’
Ummm…
How about the housework? Even if it was only for a week. Just to be appreciated for how things normally sit/happen.
x
tohi says
well seems to me,, you be the mother you are,,modle your mother hood from your heart not from what everyone else expects,,
Suzi says
Ahh is this permission for me to drop the ball? Great! done, I will show this post to hubby next time I forget to wash the school clothes or set fire to the kitchen π
Suzi says
Ahh is this permission for me to drop the ball? Great! done, I will show this post to hubby next time I forget to wash the school clothes or set fire to the kitchen π
Stacia says
Mothers don’t belong in the circus?? Oh, sh*t.
Lou says
It is a great post to read. Something that really needs to be constantly re-assessed. I definitely did a big cut near the end of last year with my buttons and blog and to be honest – I LOVE it and am having a much better year with my mental health. Those things were wonderful for a time but things were too much and they were things that were possible to cut – that’s the thing some times that there isn’t always much of a choice of things to cut so you’ve got to go with what you can. Life is certainly to be enjoyed not just endured.
Posie Patchwork says
Loathe the word juggling too, as it indicates that things can be dropped. I’m all about my children, they come first & they know it, they appreciate it & i’m their full time cheer leader, i love it. For me, being a housewife who designs when they’re at school or home, it’s the perfect balance. I could never afford help, so i just got on with the job & i’m feircely independent. FYI i can’t actually juggle real balls, love Posie
Anonymous says
Thank you, I am at a bit of a crossroad and this helped to cement my decision. No, we can’t be everything to everyone but we can have it all BUT not at the same time. When in doubt choose the kids, you will have plenty of time to choose work.
ZippyZippy says
What a great read – thanks so much for sharing.
I’m going back to read it again, slower this time π
Jacqueline
Tammi says
I have been guilty of taking on too much to the point that at the end of last week I was so overwhelmed that I just took a step back from everything to reassess what is important. I feel in a much better head space now and ready to continue on with doing less π
Great post!!
Jane Mayall says
Thankyou! Never truer words have been written and oh so timely for me.
Melinda's Stories says
OH thank god, thank you for bringing this up. I am also so sick of Mothers whinging about the juggle. STOP juggling. If you don’t enjoy the things that you “have” to juggle, don’t do it.
I love this post, love the honesty.