Every now and then the responsibility of being a parent king-hits me right between the eyes. More than the usual ‘am I doing this right?’ angst. More than the permanent worry that one of my children might turn out to be ‘that kid’.* More even than the constant quest to get the right kind of nutrients into those little bodies. More than that.
Yesterday was our school’s K-2 cross country. A lap around the back oval with the long-jump pit thrown in for the ‘country’ bit; run to much fanfare. Neither of my children was remotely interested in participating, Cappers is quite nervous about doing anything that will be judged in front of a large group – but more on that another time for this is Maxi’s story.
Maxi moaned and groaned about having to actually run and come in last place because “that’s just the way I turn out every single time.” Very matter-of-fact, but a catch was there. A sigh.
It breaks your heart to hear your child talk like that. You can tell them time and time again that it “doesn’t matter where you place, just that you finish the race.” But I guess deep down we’re all thinking, yeah, right. Even at seven they know that that’s not really how the world works.
Well, yesterday, I learned that while that might be true, it’s still, thank god, not the way that happiness works.
See, it’s me with the problem.
I’m the one who’s been a little bit ashamed that my son isn’t the superstar sporty type. That he’s the kid inspecting the grass while his team scores a goal. That’s he’s the one trailing behind all his friends as they race into the bush to look for treasure. I get slightly panicked about what he’ll do when sport is everything to his peers and not to him.
It seems that deep down I’m a little bit ashamed of his lack of prowess and a whole lot ashamed that I feel that way.
The thing is, until yesterday, I hadn’t even realised that I felt shame. I’ve never acknowledged it. If someone had asked me about Maxi’s sporting abilities or lack thereof, I would have made a little joke that showed how proud I was of him regardless. And I was always proud of him – my beautiful, strong, lit-from-within son; but now I realise that there was a big, fat ‘but’ attached to that pride.
Yesterday.
Yesterday, my non-sporty son felt the fear and did it anyway. He started that race with a smile and a slap on the back from a mate and he ran that race with a smile and he finished in last place barr one (kid fell over) with a smile that would light up the moon.
Watching him run around that field, wind at his back, joy in just the doing of it, I thought my heart would leap out of my chest with pride. This was what pride without the buts felt like. Just enormous, gushing pride and so much joy in his joy and no thought about what it meant for me or about me.
It’s not about me. It is never about me. None of this parenting business is. My children’s achievements are their own, just as their hurdles are their own. It’s about them and their place in the world and it’s up to me to stand back and let them find that place, even if it’s last place. To get out of the way with my ego and my pride and my little ideas about what they should and shouldn’t be doing.
To just get out of the way already, and let those sweet kids run their own race.
* You know that kid. Every school has that kid. We all remember that kid.
[Image by tallthinguy]
Raine and Sage says
Bloody hell, you’ve just made my nose tingle and some tears well up.
What a beautiful post. You nailed it! It’s not about us as parents (because let’s face it we’re all TRYING to do our best), it’s all about them and their achievments. A great reminder to us all. Well said. Here, here.
Gemma @ My Big Nutshell says
congratulations to you anyway. Maxi-Taxi has learnt a valuable life-skill which was guided by you and your understanding of him.
Frog, Goose and Bear says
That’s just beautiful – good on you Maxi! I am proud of him too!! We had cross country last week. Twice round the oval. Goose had been practising every day after school. She came somewhere in the last third. Devastated. Tears just wouldn’t stop. I tried and tried with the “it’s not about winning” thing….but it just didn’t work. it’s such a valuable valuable lesson to learn in life. It really is and Maxi’s got it!
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
ok, let me just wipe away that tear…….*shwhipppe*
Ok! wow. I was the Maxi-Taxi of my school. A country school albeit and a newly enrolled city kid! And did i get a BIG shock how much they all loved their sport. But i accepted that i was going to come last in all of it. it did suck, but i think now-a-days there is so so so so much more that kids can be into, and clubs they can join. it’s not all about sport these days. well, i hope not. i love your story. we all want our kids to achieve, but sometimes isn’t that NEED that can over-ride our rational parenting that they can’t be great at everything!
Congrats to MT for racing!! xx
dear olive says
This beautiful and important lesson has come just at the right time for me. Thanks! Kellie xx
Michelle @ The Crafty Little Fox says
What a great little boy! That is all you really want your child to do, have a go. We all do things everyday that we don’t really want to do. Sounds to me , Maxabella, that you are bringing up a responsible and brave young man. Big thumbs up!
Clea says
Maxabella that is a beautiful post. We so often strive to be unique in this world, except when it comes to our kids. We want them to be normal, average, the one that fits in. It’s human nature to want our kids to fit in and ‘belong’, so don’t feel too bad wanting those things. Love that you reocnciled the feeling in the end though xx
Belinda Saville says
Gosh, what a beautiful post! My own thoughts and fears are echoed in your words. More often than not, it is others who point out to me that my children are different, should be this, should do that. But gee, wouldn’t the world be a boring place if we were all the same, if we all came first?
Here’s to letting our children be who they are meant to be…and for loving them unconditionally no matter what 🙂
Belinda
-xo-
Suzi says
Yeah *ahem* that was me at school, so not cut out for running… I finished so far last once that they had packed up and gone inside by the time I got there – then they accused me of wagging… Anyways, personal deep seeded cross country resentments aside, well done maxi taxi 🙂
Must be on a similar wave length, I wrote about my different sort of ‘that kid’ today too.
xx
Miss Pink says
The “that kid”…my fear too. Yep, there’s always one.
I am so proud of Maxi! Actually i posted something just then that relates to this. Having the courage to have a go, is such a big important thing you have given him. More than coming in first every time.
deux chiens et un garcon says
There are so many narratives aren’t there about children and how they grow up. It is such an amazing journey this parenting thing.
Very well written. You should have got the people’schoice award.
Dont know why I am no longer my blog but my name. From 2 dogs and a boy.
Sarah says
Lovely post, and it made me a bit teary reading it. Maxi and my Doots would make a lovely couple. She has always been a bit different from her peers and she disengages the moment she gets a whiff of competition. But she’s capable of a fierce focus when it comes to her own interests. I can’t tell you how many hours sleep I’ve lost over her non-conformity! But, I wouldn’t change her – she’s equal parts amazing and frustrating.
I love the way you describe Maxi as lit-from-within, and I bet he is really valued member of his school community. I wanna high five him. Go Maxi!
Gill@AliceBecomes says
good stuff – you and Maxi! This is hard stuff to admit, and as my little ones get bigger, I am just starting to get a taste for this. Hard, very hard to disconnect your own ego from your children, we are so involved with them when they are little and we want the best for them. I am reminded of that poem in The Prophet on Children: “You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth”.
I know you know that one as I remember you commenting on it when I posted it on our blog once. I love your philosophical parenting, thanks for the insight into your little guy and you
Gill xo
Little Pinwheel says
Beautiful post! I thought of this the other day, but in a completely different way. I was thinking about how the cool hot kid is now the ugly man, and the dork is now the hot guy with a whole lot of intelligence. Judgement and competition will be there for our little people. I guess we do have to take that step back and be there if they fall or need that gentle push. It is hard to know that at 7, you are already doing this.
You are a beautiful mum! And your feelings are what we all feel, but are too scared to share.
xx
Georgie says
Sounds to me like he didn’t just remove a hurdle but he jumped clear over it… both of you did. gxo
1000 Homes of Happiness says
Gorgeous Maxi and a lovely post Maxabella. Oh and by the way…it was a delight meeting you the other night.
xoxoxo
Anonymous says
gives me something to think about, great post! Thanks for visiting my blog, tis great to meet you.
rockmelon says
Oops, shoould’ve pushed the publish button so quickly!
Diminishing Lucy says
I read this at work earlier and it bought more than a tear to my eye -you ruin my hard-bitten work persona!
I can relate SO well with this. Since Charlie’s accident last year (broken femur – traction for 3 months…hip spica/body cast for 7 weeks…) he has been very reticent with all physical games and had regressed terribly physcially (and mentally) in his approach to sports.
BUT, I realise that a lot of the worry over it all was all mine.
And of course, just as I was told, it would take a year at least for him to be “back to normal” and, now, he finally is.
This time last year he was at sports day in a wheelchair. And this year he is competing. That is truly all I need worry about.
So my lovely Maxabella, I can totally relate. It is our fears we need to let go, not theirs…
Thank you for linking up to Diminishing Lucy’s Drab to Fab…
xx
Kymmie says
Here here. And just what I need to hear today. Struggling with a step daughter’s issues. But I must be there. Not lecture. Not say a word. It’s all about her. Not about me.
Thanks a million Bron. xx
Salamander says
Love your work, Mumma Maxabella! You made the ugly crier emerge…
Your Maxi sounds delicious. xxxxxx
Melanie says
So ah-hah!
Mama of 2 boys says
Thanks for this Maxabella. It was so reassuring to read about another Mum thinking in this way. I have to check myself often, in regards to this very topic. And I mean I really have to stop and say “it’s ok, if he doesn’t do exactly what you would like him to do… right… get it!”
And I do say that to myself.
If they are good people, nothing else matters really.
I worry about how loudly a ‘but’ is felt in a parent’s actions too. My boys are still very young, so I will have to remember to carry this through with me in the years to come. I never want them to feel like they haven’t made me proud, particularly if they have tried their hardest. My parents were always wonderful when it came to being proud of all my achievements… even the last place wins ;o)
Catherine F. says
Doesn’t it just amaze you how these little people in our lives that we are responsible for raising end up being our greatest teachers……….Thanks for the lovely post!
Lou says
Nothing beats that feeling of pride a parent feels when they watch thier child achieve something wonderful. It doesn’t matter what it is, and I am a complete sop when it comes to watching my kids. I am always the daft Mum that is choking back the tears when I watch my kids do anything – but I guess thats just being a parent!
Hi I'm Rhonda. says
So many times it is our children teaching us isn’t it? This was a lovely post.
Jane@flightplatformliving says
‘It’s about them and their place in the world and it’s up to me to stand back and let them find that place, even if it’s last place. To get out of the way with my ego and my pride and my little ideas about what they should and shouldn’t be doing.
To just get out of the way already, and let those sweet kids run their own race’
made me cry! utterly beautiful post and it touched my heart x
Posie Patchwork says
It’s such an interesting take on life isn’t it?? My 4 are all super runners, but what i love most of all is when they finish, they immediately go to cheer on their friends, or go back to run with them, that fills me with pride. So from the other end of the spectrum, it is still about good sportsmanship, friendship & participation. It is a little bit about teaching children that they will be judged, ranked & promoted in life, they just have to find their niche, groove or passion to excel in. My twins are the cutest, i always wondered how they would go, competing, would they cross holding hands – wow, hell no, they might swap first & second place each year but they take it as a joint victory. I’m super proud as they’re born in December & petit, so in all their aged sports they are the smallest. Laughed so hard when one won shot put!! How?? Technique apparently. Love Posie
Vanessa says
This post made me cry and I have tried to comment for days (thanks blogger!).
My kids are middle of the road when it comes to sports but I had never considered that some kids come last all the time. Of course the kids who struggle at the swimming carnival always seemed to get the loudest cheer and this always made me teary.
A very honest post from you. I am so glad your little lad did not take you up on the offer to pike out, and got so much joy from not finishing last. He sounds confident and resillient x