How many children a family has is sometimes not a decision that they get to make. Heartbreaking infertility, loss, dreams never forgotten. But often the family does have a choice to make and it’s one that can be torturous and endless. How many children should we have?
How many is the right number for us?
In my experience, you know when you know. We didn’t feel ‘finished’ after Maxi or Cappers, but after The Badoo, we were done. It was just a knowing inside that three was the right number for us and we’ve never waivered, never thought four could have been it. Or, whoops, two.
Three is a classic number of children. The oldest, the middle and the youngest. For anyone wondering if three is the right number for them, remember that there’s always a third wheel there. Always a trike, never graduating to the big bike. We parents are outnumbered and there is always one who won’t fit on the lap. Three means you might have to have your children really close together in age. Three is a little bit more chaotic than two and less neat than four. Three is sometimes being left out.
When I had a boy first and a girl second, I was pleased as punch that a third meant that one of my children would experience a same-sex sibling relationship. And overjoyed when it was sisters. Sorry, Maxi-Taxi, I have no experience of being a brother but I do know that sisters can be the key to a lifelong treasure chest.
Yes, Three is a gang. Three is balanced. Three is having a spare when a sibling relationship sours. Three is an extra person to ask for advice. Three is one to hold each hand.
Three says I. Love. You.
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ClaireyH says
Two is the number for us right now. I don’t see that changing. I am the middle child of three, I agree it is a great number. For me, having two girls was also perfect as a sister is a real blessing. When some rude people said, oh you will have to go back for a boy, I told them how happy I was that no, actually, I would have had to go back for a girl if number two had been a boy.
melissa says
This is a timely post for me.
DH and I have pretty much decided on two, but there are still the what-ifs about number 3. We are still young enough that the decision doesn’t have to be made now (though I’m not sure I’d go back again to the baby daze once both boys are at school!).
I’ve also been having lots of discussions lately with my wonderful mummy’s groups friends and it seems 3 is a popular number. I can defintely see the appeal, just not sure I would cope with a baby again!
melissa says
Oh, and I love my two boys! I certainly wouldn’t go back, just for a girl. I honestly couldn’t choose what I would have if I had a choice!
Rhi@FlourChild says
oohhh, perfect timing. Thanks Maxabella. We have two, but are seriously seriously thinking of trying soon for number three. I am one of three, and I want three. My husband is one of two, and he wants/wanted (heh heh) two. I have one of each, and would love love love for another girl, for the whole sister reason too.
I’ll keep you posted.
x
Karen Wilson says
I’ve only got one so far. I used to dream of five but I met my husband too late to really fit that many in.
I like three, I came from two (brother). I think my husband wants to have two and then see how we feel. I prefer to say lets aim for three and re-evaluate after two. Guess I’ve got to get to two before I should be thinking about three 😉
A Farmer's Wife says
We have two and will stick with that. Partly through choice and partly through me being advised that another pregnancy would not be ideal for medical reasons.
Having one of each is lovely but I would have been just as happy if I had two boys or two girls. Children are such a blessing in their own right, regardless of their gender.
Melinda @ Here We Go Loopy Lou says
This post rings so true to me. I have 3, and I (well, we!) knew 3 was right for us. I couldn’t imagine life without 3 now, but I couldn’t imagine life with 4!!! I feel done and I feel complete with my little men.
Interesting all the discussion above about the importance of a sisterly relationship. I have 3 boys and I adore seeing them bond, brotherly relationships are just as special!! Also, I am one of 2 and I have a brother. We were close growing up and we still are. There’s no need to focus on the gender involved, just embrace the sibling relationship and foster it in your children!
Jennie says
You’re right, sometimes the number of children you have, is not a decision you get to make. We have two girls, 5 years between(the age gap is not by choice – damn hormones).
We lost our eldests twin when I was pregnant with them. So shes gone from having a sister the same age as her, to having one 5 years younger!
Kate says
We have three girls. I want four. He wants three. He knows. I certainly don’t. Gosh I do know how lucky I am though.
therhythmmethod says
I am a clucky hen. I have 3 boys, but OH, not a day goes past where I don’t think about no. 4. I am one of 4: 4 is neat, 4 is my favourite number and my birthday is in April (4th month). Although I have my hands full right now with my boys, I think I’ll be ready for no.4 when my youngest turns 4 (Ha!)
I also realise I am incredibly blessed to even have a choice in how big my family is. So many women don’t, and I truly feel for them.
Jane says
I love this post, Bron. Three is our happy and final number. And yes, we had 3 in 3.5 years, after many years of waiting and hoping.
I do remember being unable to sleep the night after Sam was born, knowing that India would never have a sister. But she adores being the girl in the middle of her brothers and being both a little and big sister. So I am relieved she’s content.
I wouldn’t change anything on Planet Baby for quids.
J x
Diminishing Lucy says
I was DONE, totally and utterly complete at two. Emotionally and pracically totally satisfied with A girl and a boy.
But within days of Charlie being born, I was pregnant again, with my ooooopsie Lexie.
Her birth and her presence and her Lexie’ness opened up a cluckiness in me that will probably never waiver….I will always want more now…she opened my heart for extreme maternal feelings…
(We have made the practical decision to have no more. My heart and my hormones yearn for more though…)
Anonymous says
Great post! We have 3, by choice (under my negotiation) I didn’t feel done either after 2 boys. Hubs was happy, but I made a decent arguement. Little nos. 3 is a girl, so we are happy all around. Boys love having a sister, I’m happy mothering both sexes, & daddy loves his little girl. We actually both would have another, but chose not to – why push our luck, 3 healthy bubs is enough for us. I only wish, my little girl could have a sister. I love my sister & wish all my kids could have one.Angela.
Naturally Carol says
I started off slowly my first three, boy, girl, boy, were each 3 years apart, then the last 2 boys were only 2 years apart. When I got to five I knew that was my number, I was happy. I am the eldest of three kids, girl, boy, girl..but they had four boys next door and I thought that was pretty perfect ‘cos they seemed like a team and we seemed pretty boring at the time! That probably influenced me to want four boys and I have my girl as well..so perfect for me.
Cath says
I’m going to be a bit different… For us, one is enough, and I mean that in the nicest possible way (although I often mean it the other way too 😉 ) My munchkin is everything I could ever wish for (possibly in several children) all rolled into one adorable, passionate, active, fun package. I can’t imagine being that lucky twice.
Although I had originally planned to have two, life, hubby and my own feelings about it all, got in the way. Sometimes I wonder (especially when reading blogs which show the “gang”) what life would be like with more, but I’m quite happy to welcome friends, cousins and neighbours into our home instead.
It really is such a personal thing.
Mama of 2 boys says
Love this post Maxabella, you have an uncanny knack of popping into my head and spilling my thoughts into your posts. Are you psychic?! ;o)
The question on whether to graduate to a family of five begs at me constantly. I like the sound of having 3 children, definitely. But I also like the sound of having 4, so I’m clearly delusional. Hubby is no help, as he simply says, “I’m completely happy with whatever you decide”. Yeah. NO help.
I am one of 7 and loved every minute of growing up in a large family. I guess that’s why I like the idea of at least another child. More variety for everyone that way. However, I do feel very fortunate to have the two little big men we have, so if it’s meant to be, I’ll be absolutely satisfied with what we have right now.
Tas says
Lovely post. I was pregnant with no 2 when I started saying “if we have a third” then “when we have a third” Hubby would have been happy with 2 but I always get my way. Problem with 3? They out number you. It is very important that they don’t work this out!
supermac says
I have two girls. Would have wanted a third one whether it’s a boy or girl but I had two difficult pregnancies. And so 2 became our number.
I am the middle child in a big family of 7! I don’t know how my parents did it but it seems that 7 is perfect for them. What a wonderful post. And pretty interesting comments as well! xx
ForeverRhonda says
I love this post! Right now we have one, but we are trying desparately to have another. And perhaps another after that. Like you said you don’t know til ya know!
Glen says
two and on some days it feels like two too many!! It usually feels exactly right and NEVER too few.
two is good
three would be too many
maybe if we could have got the .5 it would have been worth a go…
Lou says
We have 3, a girl and 2 boys. My daughter came first, then a huge gap of 8 years, and then both the boys in quick succession. Number 3 wasn’t planned at all, he came along just as I was getting used to number 2, but he is my angel and was a most precious surprise!
It’s worked out pretty well really – my daughter will be 21 towards the end of this year and is away at Uni and the boys are just about to turn 12 & 13, and bicker continually.
All 3 are exceptionally bright – we are very lucky and I am thankful for them every day…
MomAgain@40 says
2, with a space of 15 years! I wanted more (5), but my life turned out differently, and now I am too old! But I would happily adopt! (If Hubby would let me, and finances allow!)
I am extremely pleased with the two girls I have!
Natalie says
I always wanted four, but after baby #2 fertility issues stopped that. I always had a longing for more and never felt like our family was finished. Well surprise surprise after 4 years we have a little miracle due in August. I think I will be content with 3 because I know that we are blessed to have that plus I’m not getting any younger. We have 2 girls 5 and 8 and will have the boy we thought we never would have. What an adventure life is.
Suzi says
Great post Maxabella 🙂
We have four, I had always wanted a girl and after we were blessed with 3 boys I still didn’t feel complete, so we went for another and I got my daughter. Now we are complete.
Quill and Ink Handmade says
Yes, a very timely post!
I get asked a lot whether we’ll be going back for baby number three; my standard answer is that two toddlers is quite enough for the moment. They’re lovely little people, and they make us so happy,
but in my secret heart of hearts, I’m jumping up and down saying ‘YES!!! I’d LOVE another baby!’
Great post, as always 🙂
x
Corinne – Daze of My Life says
Like others this is a timely post for me. I just wrote about being pregnant with my third and being in denial.
We always wanted at least three, but I’m starting to freak out a little. Well, not freak out, but be a little daunted by the thought of having another baby.
I think three is the right number for us (or at least I hope it is!).
Megan Blandford says
I have one…. so far. We’re not done, but as you say the road is slow and sometimes timing is not within our control. How many we have will depend how we feel about things after (hopefully) a number two at some stage.
Even though I’m one of four siblings, I grew up as the youngest of three (my younger brother is 10 years younger than me). Three was terrible in some ways – two always ganging up on one and that one was never the strong older brother! – but amazing in most ways. The three of us are close and have been through a lot together. Nothing can beat that feeling of having known someone that well as they grew up.
Renee says
The constant question in our house ever since our youngest turned 1 in February – will we have another? We have two girls, 22 months apart, life is very very busy. I love that I have two of the same, and although people keep saying to me ‘you need to try again for a boy’ part of me thinks it would be easier to have 3 girls than 2 girls and a boy! My husband comes from a family of 4 boys, I have 1 sister 2 years younger than me then a brother 12 years younger. I never felt like just my sister was enough growing up, and my brother is so much younger it’s more like having a nephew! We have a holiday in August then I think we will see if nature blesses us with another until December, at which point I think we’ll say 2 is enough if we’re not pregnant because I don’t want the gap to be bigger than 3 years (I want a career back at some point!) I think if money wasn’t an issue, and we had family around us (we’re a satellite family with members all over the world and no one here with us!) my husband would want 4 – he thinks it was magic growing up with 4. While 2 seems busy for me now, I think when they’re bigger I might have wished for that one extra…we’ll see!
Miss Mandy says
I have three and I totally agree. Especially the bit about if one relationship sours, they should never feel alone!
As for being left out, etc, I also believe it’s good for them to experience all of those other feelings in a safe and loving environment, help prepare them for the outside world, which is not always kind.
Leanne says
I also felt done when my youngest was born, and so I have 3 beautiful boys. Although now they are 16,14 &11 I must admit to feeling a little clucky when I see my friends babies.
Tammi says
I wrote a post a little while back about whether you know when you are done…as we have five and still want more. We have always wanted a large family…with our parents having 48 siblings between them, large families have always been the norm for us, not that we would go that large.
The thing that tugs most at my heartstrings is the fact that we have six embies on ice…yes we would love another one or two but then that leaves the decision of what to do with those that remain.
We completely adore the five we have and they are all very very close so it would be lovely to give that to at least one more child 🙂
x
Fiona says
Four. Three didn’t seem “enough”, but 4 certainly is! A lot of people didn’t understand, when we already had a boy and a girl, why we’d go back for more. It’s such a personal thing, and this is right for us. (Even though the workload right now seems enormous!).
Heather says
I would love to have three. I always wanted three but was told it would be unwise to have another child. In my heart of hearts I long for another and know that I will always have that longing. I have had so many people say to me that I am blessed and lucky and I know they are right but even so I just can’t stop that want. Saying that I just adore my two and the 3 year age gap worked perfectly for us. They are best mates and for that I am so grateful. xxx
Alice Becomes says
sweet. love the cute picture.we have two boys, would probably like to have another in a little while. but also very happy with my two boys right now!
Gill xo
Photographer Mum says
It’s funny, about 90% of my friends are dead-set convinced that we will have a 4th baby, even though we have only planned on having 3 (Which we had in 3 years with a 20month gap and a 16 month gap). My husband has even made the first appt to get the snip but because we are still under 30 it’s not looking likely to happen for the moment, which I’m glad about because I do want another one, I just want a bigger gap (maybe when the youngest is 3 or 4). I’d love another girl so my daughter has a sister and to even things out. But, for the time being my girl and 2 boys are perfect for us.
rhymeswithvague says
I am certain my number is two. My husband says his number is one, so at the moment we aren’t considering expanding our little family of three. Practicalities and body/age issues aside, I would love to have another baby right now. Ideally, I’d love a girl, but also think it would also be pretty awesome if Master P had a little brother. Time will tell, I suppose.
Vanessa says
Lovely post. Think I need to write my own blog to answer all those questions. Making the decision when and how many babies was never in our hands. We had two through ivf and fet and then several heartbreaks before deciding two was our number. After 12 years of no contraception we had our gorgeous surprise third. The eight year gap between the youngest two is not an issue. Our girls adore and include their little brother in everything. Like you, I have never understood the mentality of having one of each sex in the mix. I was delighted to have two girls only 23 months apart. Sisterhood.
For the first time ever, I feel complete at three.
Emma says
Growing up with a brother was fun but I always longed for a sister and imagined that one day I would have two girls of my own who would be adoring sisters. Number 1 was a boy and although a little bit of my heart still longed for a girl I was thrilled. Number 2, another boy! I adore him but my heart broke as I knew that my dream of having sisters was gone. IF we have another (still in negotiations) s/he will be the last. When I think about the prospect of not having a daughter it is the adult relationship with one that I am saddest about missing out on. Nevertheless, I adore my two little rascals and recognise how enormously lucky I am!
Sarah says
I remember writing on this last year and pondering the exact same issue. I simply don’t think I’m done yet. But the actuality of it all is still a little overwhelming. So we’re still circling the airport (metaphorically speaking) and talking about it. I love my kids so much and part of me yearns for another. Another part wonders if I’d cope. We’ll have to wait and see 😉
m.e (Cathie) says
It’s great reading everyones views on this. we have two, one of each and even though this is what was decided part of me wants another, part of me wants to experience it all again.
the boy says “no”, i know he is right, but it must be something that makes a woman want to go through it all again.
i guess we have to agree on the two most beautiful creations of ours ever!
♥
Jane@flightplatformliving says
ok i have 3 beautiful amazing children but some days number 4 beckons to me but at other times i feel that certainty that 3 is it! i wonder what that means? loving your posts as always xxx
stink-bomb says
zero.
lots of angel babies.
we were over before we even began and now we’ll never be finished because we never started.
~x~
Bron says
Ah, Maxabella. Love your thoughtful posts. Well, I had the teen about a million years ago (ok, 14 years ago) but always knew I wanted 2 or 3 kids.
Now we’ve got the gorgeous preschooler and I think we’d still like one more. Sometimes I feel greedy, like two healthy children should be enough for anybody. But three seems just right. I was one of three, the Mr was one of three…it just feels right. Funny.
Happy Mother’s Day for Sunday!
Melanie says
I have six, ages 12, 10, 9, 7, 4, and 1, and wouldn’t change it for the world. They are all such good friends and I basically have my own playground. If one isn’t getting along with another, there’s more friends to choose from.
Fruit snacks come in 6-packs. Juice comes in 6-packs. Individually wrapped cookies come in 6-packs. It seems to me, all things sweet come in that number.
(I love to watch people’s faces when we all trail in. It’s also fun when people ask if I’m babysitting “all of those kids?” and I say, “No, they’re all mine!”)
Jane says
Aw, what a lovely post. I currently have zero children, but am planning for three to by my eventual magic number too. Great post xxx
M. Bloom says
Heart breaking infertility was our story. But with lots of stubborn determination (and $ and medical intervention) we are heart-broken no longer…
MultipleMum says
This is gorgeous. Your threesome works well.
As you know, we wanted one more after our second. Got a bonus with the twins. From two to four. It was nearly my undoing!
Even numbers are good though. I am very happy with my lot x
Frog, Goose and Bear says
Just like you, we felt that three was the right number for us. After the first though, I honestly wondered whether I could ever do it again and then when we decided we would, we couldn’t for a long time whihc was a bit of shock and a little heartbreaking so I feel very very blessed to have my three gorgeous kids and appreciate very much that we were given the opportunity. However, there is no way I could go again – it would just tip me over the edge I’m sure!
Deer Baby says
I am very happy with my two – it was hard to get No 2 and I thought for years I would only have the one so a third would have been out of the question given my age and stuff.
Three is a lovely number though. A lot of my friends have 3. I’ve been the youngest, the middle child and the eldest of three in my own family as one of three sisters. Being the middle one was the best.
Lizeylou says
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lizeylou says
3 is just fine with me.
I think I am a pretty good mum of 3 and reckon I would be a crap mum of 4 … where to find all of that extra paitence and time???
I also knew I was done when I could hold a newborn baby with that lovely baby smell and be happy to hand baby back with no yearning to run off and keep him or her.
Lack of sleep has been the best contraception ever in our house and the 3 kids we do have are such fun, healthy, loving kids (most of the time) that I am grateful with what I have already been lucky enough to have.
Kymmie says
Aah, such an insightful topic Maxabella. I love this topic, and I think that all mothers go through this torture. I posted on this just recently because although we are done, I think I will always question whether I should have had more. The cluckiness tends to continue for me, but I know others who just know (like you). Perhaps I will never know… here’s the link to my post: http://kympiez.blogspot.com/2011/03/switch-that-never-turns-off.html
Posie Patchwork says
I knew 4 was the biggest family i could do with a husband always away & on a low salary with zero help. I felt very complete after 4 & endured all those well-meaning comments of “trying for a boy” as we had 3 girls first. I always wanted 4 & we do 4 really well. I had them all in my twenties, tonnes of energy & dedication to their young years, i loved it. Now they’re going through school together, great buddies & share clothes & uniforms. It’s economical on time, food, energy, we don’t waste anything – shared showers anyone?? Love Posie
Kirsty says
We have 3 – our son who’s 7, our princess who’s 5 and our baby girl who just turned 1. We always said we wanted 4 as my husband is 1 of 3 and I only had a brother so 4 seemed a good number. After having the first 2 so close together (they are only 18 months apart) we wanted to wait a bit before adding to our brood – but we nearly didn’t (we have genetic conditions that run through the family and our eldest has special needs – it was a big decision for us to go again!) I’m glad we have 3 and we have now decided our family is complete (we had “the talk” earlier this year) – but while my head says 3 is enough another part of me could happily go back for 4 – but I will be eternally grateful for the 3 blessings we have been given!
PlanningQueen says
I knew from the minute our number four was born, we still had room for another lovely member of our family. Mr I on the other hand did feel 4 was us. The yearning for another child was an unbelievable feeling. I already had four but so desperately wanted another child – it made me think just how very hard and all consuming it must be to want children and not be able to have them.
It reached the point where my husband and I had agreed to not talk about it all for a few months. It was causing us both too much heartache.
About three months later, unprovoked Mr I came to me and said he thought there was room for one more – hoorah! The biggest gap between our kids is from 4 -5 and our number 5 I see as a special gift. He has changed the dynamics of the family and made things happen that never would have, had we stayed at 4. I am grateful and so aware of how very very lucky I am.
Love your work Bron!
Sarah says
Gorgeous post – I love that image of having two hands to hold. I’m in between two boys (just like Jane’s Miss India!) and while the boy culture was a bit dominant growing up, I’m thankful that I can kick a footy, bowl a cricket ball (after a fashion) and change a tyre. There were advantages, and now I have two lovely sils.
We have two, my heart says 3, my head says 2 is fine. I kinda think I’m too old to go through pregnancy and that first year of sleep depravation ever again. But I would love another baby…