I’m tired of the charade and want it to stop.
You know the one I’m talking about.
You’re invited to a friend’s place for morning tea. You are greeted merrily at the door and ushered inside a home so pristinethat a white glove would be instantly rendered unemployable; unless it was willing to take on a shift as a duster. This house sparkles, it shines, it gleams. In fact it’s so darn clean looking you don’t even need the three second rule when you accidentally drop your just-baked bickie on the white shag carpeting.
And then it begins.
“Sorry about the mess,” your friend says distractedly.
“Mess?” You yelp, worried that your surreptiously reclaimed bickie has left offensive crumbs.
“I haven’t had a chance to clean all week,” she continues, looking disgustedly around the slovenly lab she calls home.
Ah yes, that’s the charade I’m talking about. The one where we have to pretend that (a) we haven’t cleaned up for our guests or (b) we haven’t actually stopped cleaning since we first met a mop in 1982. Either way, the house is perfectly neat, we can both see that it’s perfectly neat so why do we have to have the fake “sorry my house is such a mess” conversation every. single. time I come to visit?
Are you fishing for compliments – because I know the standard answer I’m meant to give is “Oh, no, hon. Your house looks perfect. I can’t believe how tidy you are, you should see my place”?
Or are you actually trying to distract me from noticing your anal neatness lest I judge you on having nothing better to do than clean?
Or, heaven forbid, do you genuinely think your super-neat house is messy, in which case your issues are probably even more ingrained than pasta sauce on microwaved Tupperware – an image I just know is making you hyperventilate a little bit right now*?
Any way you look at it, the pointless “sorry my house is such a mess” conversation is just not going to make you a winner.
I don’t do it. Any of it. I don’t clean up for people butand I don’t make them talk about it when they come over either. On any given day my house could be messy when you visit, it could be tidy, it could be a total brothel complete with random half-clad girls wandering in and out (well, it could). But we don’t have to talk about it. You can just sit down and we’ll have a chat about far more interesting stuff than housework and you can happily drink your cup of tea (although I would definitenly advise employing the 3 second rule should you drop your bickie on my floor… actually, my advice is that even within the 3 second parametre you should probably just leave the bickie where it dropped – one of my half-clad girls can pick it up).
If I tallied up all the useless “sorry my house is messy” conversations I’ve had over the years, I reckon I’ve wasted weeks of my life. Weeks. And that’s not even including the fake “My daughter dresses herself” conversations or the fake “Look how creased my shirt got on the train” conversations or even the fake “I must have dropped that Indian curry on my sleeve at breakfast this morning” conversations. Maybe I’ve even wasted years.
Yes, I’m tired of the charade and want it to stop
Why do we pretend we’re effortlessly perfect? And why can’t we just own up to how hard we work at being perfect? And seriously, are we really worried that people are going to judge us on how well we keep house?
[Image by Isabel Pereira]
zigsma says
Hear hear!!
Julie says
I love that saying “A clean house is the sign of a wasted mind” (or something like that).
I must confess, I am a little bit anal about cleaning and neatness in particular.
I am trying really hard to spend more time on the things that matter: being with my kids and letting them make mess, having friends over when my house is not perfect (and refraining from mentioning it!) and doing stuff I enjoy – reading, blogging etc rather than tidying, washing, cooking and cleaning all the time!
Kate says
I wish I had just a tiny bit of that cleanliness obsession. My house is not tidy 99% of the time. Anyone who walks in can see that so there’s no point drawing their attention to it. I’ve got more important and interesting things to do and to discuss anyway.
I am slightly freaking out about how I am meant to leave it that way for our house minders though. Ahhhhh.
therhythmmethod says
I agree. I don’t give two sheets how tidy someone’s house is. I’m just happy to have hot tea and good company.
Great post.
PinkPatentMaryJanes says
Oh yeah! I made myself stop apologising years ago – it’s time we stopped this crazy charade of perfection – that just doesn’t exist.
Posie Patchwork says
I just can’t feed the ego monster of people fishing for clean house compliments. I tidy up for guests, GOD, i tidy up every afternoon before my husband comes home after 4 sets of bags, school shoes & lunch boxes are strewn from the garage to the kitchen . . . but that’s a big event, when Daddy actually comes home!! I am house proud, i also have a large family & a future – i have visions of a pristine home without school bags, shoes or lunch boxes, you know, when they’ve grown up!! I’d like to think my amazing personality & entertaining conversation is far greater than any cleaning award!! Then again, even when the youngest is 7, you panic if the ‘general’ toilet has been flushed!! Finally, anyone who vacuums BEFORE toddlers come over are insane, i mean, be polite & tidy but how do you really want your guests to feel, welcome or like they should be wearing shoe covers & gloves?? Love Posie
Megan.K. says
Oh yes! Agreeing with every word here.
Why do we do this to ourselves and each other? Like you said, it’s such a complete waste of time.
x
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
well, i agree – no fishing will enduce a compliment here – but i just hit publish on a post about how i keep my house in order – and it’s no fan fair or effortlessly perfect either. it’s a hard slog, and at the end of the day I’m flopped on the couch exhauseted. i just hope the day i visit you, i get to see the half clad girls 😉
xx
MultipleMum says
You know me. Nothing pretentious here. You get what you get (and you don’t get upset!).
It is one of life’s mysteries though isn’t it? If you spend your life cleaning, be proud of your efforts I say. Everyone knows how hard you must work at it. x
Miss Pink says
My house never looks pristine. If we’re honest i clean once a week barring the daily things like dishes, laundry, and wiping down tables/benches.
I almost always have something laying about even when i have people come over. I just can’t find a place for it all, try as i might. Plus i have these little gremlin things that seem to like to place things precariously. Oh wait, those are my kids. Actually i shouldn’t complain, my kids are exceptionally good at picking up after themselves. Mr Black however, is not.
The only people who have spotless houses are those who don’t live in them 😉
Mum on the Run says
Thank you.
I run around wiping smudges, picking stuff up and straightening things like a complete dickhead before people arrive.
But if they just turn up – I could care less.
Who am I trying to fool anyway?
Maybe I’ll think of you and kick the charade in future.
🙂
Kellie says
My house is a mess. It’s best if people just don’t come over at all, because I am quite lazy and I won’t bother to tidy up for them.
Unless its my mother in law, she is a cleaner and has very high standards. And I cant exactly tell her to go away, can I?
It’s almost as bad as the “Oh I’m sooo fat!” conversation. Over it.
ally says
I love my house looking tidy (it rarely does)…but its mainly for me – and usually only that way at night (when the mess-makers have gone to bed)
I’d rather have the cuppa and a chat too
Anna Bartlett says
I love having visitors, but if I know they’re coming, I’ll do my best to clean up. I’m not mopping before toddlers though, but if it’s crawling babies that are coming, I will probably vacuum (this stems from an incident where a crawling baby in my home ended up with more cat hair on her than the cat himself). I like to show my friends that I care for them by making a bit of an effort to make them welcome. I might even bake a cake. On the other hand, if you drop in unannounced, you are also very welcome. And we’ll probably both have to manhandle the folding off the lounge and push things off the bench to make a coffee. And that’s ok too. So I guess the message is that ‘I love you, but don’t let me know you’re coming’. And when you get here, we’ve got plenty to talk about. Really.
Bubby Makes Three says
I dont know I dont know I dont KNOW Maxabella! Because… we just do? I’m guilty as charged… but in our defence I do think we see our own homes through murky, dusty specs and truly believe it IS hideously dirty even though it may appear to have stepped out of the latest home Vogue by our dear guests. But I hear you!
Life In A Pink Fibro says
You know I only clean up for you. And make tuna salad. But the creases in the shirts? I always have that conversation. Otherwise I’d have to leave the house scantily clad.
thesoundandthefury says
Guilty, Maxabella. Maybe it’s because my mother brought me up to have better standards than the ones I currently maintain in my own house, and I feel guilty because I don’t uphold those?
Who knows? With 3 active growing boys under my roof, shit gets strewn everywhere and it gets picked up when it gets picked up (if it isn’t vacuumed up first!)
Alice Becomes says
I hate to say it but it does seem to be something that only women do. I have never ever ever heard MM apologise to his friend’s for our messy house. Saying that, he would have to first notice is is messy for that to happen. I admit that I do apologise to guests when things are very bad. Like, I am sorry that you can’t see over the kitchen table for the pile of clothes waiting to be folded and put away. I am more comfortable visiting a messy house than a tidy house. It makes me feel that I have found a like minded soul. Gill xo
Daisy, Roo and Two says
Up until last yeat, I was always mortally embarrassed about the state of my home – whether it was pristine or WW3 had crashed in through the front door and left a trail of debris on its way through the back door. Some days my laundry piles up. My dishes don’t get done. I have three kids under three (were all under 2 for a while) and I’d rather spend my days reading them books and singing them “If You’re Happy and You Know It..” or “Ning Nang Nong” for the millionth time.
I was stressed one day, not in the fake way, in the real – oh god my house is filthy and people are coming!!! – way, until my friend and her kids got here and I just said: “I am really really sorry” and she pointed to some tomato on the floor and said to me: “Oh god, I have food on my floor too. I like coming here because it’s like coming to a real house!”
Since then I’ve tried to make my inner perfecto go away – people come to see me, my kids and have a cuppa, not to inspect the cracks in the wood floors for dirt.
Wendy says
Amen, sista!
Mama of 2 boys says
Hehehe! I’m laughing hard right now. I love your posts Maxabella. That is all.
P.S. Except I will say Yes, can we all please stop the charade!
Jodie Ansted says
Oh, I like a neat home when people come-a-visiting, but I’m like the opposite to that person. If people comment at all on the tidyness, I’m like, ‘Took me aaaages to get it this neat. It’ll all be back to normal come 3.30pm today. Don’t go in my bedroom. Just sayin’!’
However, when my friend Jen comes…she sees the au naturale Ansted home. And when I go to her place, I see the same, and the only thing she says to me is, “Bless the mess.”
Melanie says
I adopted this motto from a friend, “If you came to see me, come anytime; if you came to see my house, make an appointment.” It is a very refreshing mind set.
Ms Styling You says
Drop into my place anytime … there won’t be a charade going on. I can promise that.
Please Do Not Feed The Animals. says
I always feel inadequate as my house is never very clean or tidy. I do try and I especially run around with a hoover if I am aware someone is coming but I do worry that it is never as tidy as other people’s so I am afraid I am guilty of apologising for the mess as I think I want them to know that I know it is not great. I will try to stop, though. 🙂
Abbie says
I totally agree with what you say.
I think this idea came when moms didn’t work outside the house. Their job was to cook, clean, and take care of the kids. You needed to have a tidy house. It was your mark of what kind of wife you were.
Now a days most moms have two jobs. Moms don’t have the time to keep everything tidy due to kids schedules. Work schedules. Just finding time to not go insane is not enough.
So to hell with what people think. As long as the kids are happy and have a supported man, all is good.The dishes and household chores can wait.
Nikki says
I’m only 21 and have friends who pull that line! I couldn’t care less (unless their house was crawling with bugs-yuck!) But having a completely clean house bottles away who YOU are! My favourite part was the pasta sauce microwaved onto the tupperware. It’s going to happen, no matter how hard you try to avoid it! Happy blogging 🙂 x
Betsy says
OH yeah…and you know your real friends …cause they pop in unexpectedly and don’t care what your house looks like and you can do the same to them. I love being real.
Niki Hudson says
I’m with you! I’ll take comfortable over pristine any day! A great hostess is one that makes you feel cozy and welcome, inside and out.
PEACHES says
You called me on it! I scrub for days but when they get to the door I’m all “sorry it’s a mess”….true true. And I can’t think of a single time I ever judged anyone for having a messy place–if anything, it’s flattering that someone would feel close/comfortable enough to not clean up for me. A sign of passage in our relationship. Well crap, I need to be myself more often. Thanks Girl!
Jodi @ The Scribble Den says
This is yet another challenge of motherhood and what I call the superwoman syndrome. We all want to show that we are on top of things and a clean house displays that. I clean up (and by clean up mean stuff everything into cupboards – that’s what they’re for isn’t it?) but I certainly don’t have the ‘sorry for the mess’ convo.
And you know, I like going to friends’ houses that looked lived in. They have such a homely feel. No pretense.
Me, I’m getting there. Still struggling, but getting there!
Amy xxoo says
You know what? I’d love for my house to be effortlessly clean, but with an 18 mth old running around, its just not going to be that way…. so i’m not going to lie about it.
I’ll do a tidy up if i know people are coming over – just so that dont have to sit on the unfolded washing or dont trip over the pile of childrens books, blocks and assorted cars and trucks that somehow congregate at the front door.
But if you turn up announced? Enter at your own risk…
Corinne – Daze of My Life says
The only time I apologise is when a guest has to pick up a plate of half eaten toast (which has been there since breakfast) so they can find somewhere to sit.
Absolutely no charade in this house!
Cathy says
lol loved this. So very true. I can’t help myself – have to try and tidy a bit before someone comes over but real friends don’t care 🙂
We came to conclusion that there wa no point cleaning before a play date because we would only have to clean again afterwards!
And a friend and I started to take photos on our phone and send them to each other of our messy houses/play rooms just so that we felt completely normal haha!
**Anne** says
Hmmmm, interesting post. If I go to someones house and it’s a bit messy and untidy, I’m not the slightest bit bothered. I have a be of a problem with dirty and unclean though. However, I hate my house being untidy and messy, which it mosstly is, and I hate people coming over when it is that way.
I love a clean and tidy house, I’m just lazy and don’t keep it that way after a big clean and sort out. I’ve got more interesting things to do like blogging and crafting. 🙂
Anne xx
MummyK says
Come to my house. I don’t pretend to have a tidy one and you’ll see for yourself!
Shelley Cartoons says
I LIKED this post.
I spend a lot of energy cleaning and/or not cleaning and feeling frustrated about the state of the house. But I don’t often have interesting conversations about it, nor do I read pieces of writing discussing our relationship with cleaning. Which I think is weird given how much time folk spend doing it.
Anyway, good writing!
Thanks for sharing.
Lizeylou says
I have a friend (as well all do) whose house is perfect every day, and I always feel like I cant take my kids over incase they touch something, god I am scared to touch things!!
Then I have another friend whose house looks like a tornado has just ripped through it – no problem taking kids there!!!
My house is somewhere in the middle and I am okay with that.
Its good to have that lived in look – isnt that what makes a house a home?
Naturally Carol says
There are quite a few Mrs Buckets out there..lol! I don’t mind saying to people..you have a beautiful house..if I mean it or that I appreciate the warmth of someones hospitality..if I really mean it too. I think the secret is to keep your own comments authentic and encouraging and not be drawn into saying something you don’t mean or appreciate..keep your own integrity.
bakeoutwest says
Oh I absolutely agree but thank the heavens for my new mum pals that don’t apologise for a messy house. We all just point at our feral monster toddlers and say it’s all their fault! Thank god we’ve left the ‘tidy’ pretense at the front door!
neesay says
Never truer words were typed! I always feel the need to apologise for my house, but then it is legitimate as it’s always messy! This is a fact I am truly sorry for but can do nothing about – it certainly is not for lack of effort on my part. We just have more stuff than space!
Heather says
ha! I remember this convo from the weekend. It is so true….and just so boring isn’t it. I have to say however last time I had some mums around for a cuppa I spent about 20 minutes with a butter knife picking the weetbix remains from beneath my table however I also told them all about it when they are arrived. xx
Andrea says
You are right. I shouldn’t say it. But I do. I think maybe because it was so drilled in by my mum as a kid that the house should be immaculate – and ours rarely is. We do do the massive clean up before guests come…especially for a dinner party, or people who haven’t stayed before. I sometimes think the insecurity of worrying that people will think you are pigs is just as honest as people having to accept your daily chaos. Lets face it, we all want people to think the best of us, not the worst of us.
As for that wretched sentence…..I say it when the house is a mess. I don’t say it when the house isnt.
neenaballerina says
I love the comments everyone has left. Next time I’m feeling despondent about the mess getting the better of me, I’m just going to stop by here! They say a creative mind is rarely a tidy one… that goes for houses too. We really *live* in our house… it’s not somewhere we merely sleep and watch tv. The nicest compliment I’ve had in a long time was when someone told me, “lovely seeing what it’s like when kids are allowed to shape a house.” I believe it was a genuine comment!!! Yes, my fridge is overflowing with artwork; yes, my sewing machine is in the living room (so I can interact with the kids while I use it); yes, those *are* scientific experiments on the kitchen window sill and YES, I will let that awesome train track my five year old just finished stay out for two or three days (it *is* awesome, after all). We live, we love, we create. Tidying comes in fourth (usually at 11pm where it lasts until we wake up)!
Seana Smith says
Errr… this is not a game of charades we play… and when my house is clean and tidy (which I do love) it’s because we tidied it and our much-appreciated cleaners cleaned it… god bless them and may they always come back to our house.
Kymmie says
LOVE this post! I think that I’ve pondered posting about this very thing. But of course, I could not say it quite like you have. (Loving those half-clad brothel girls…)
Of course, I slide between perfect house/messy house/what the hell/brothel scenario. There are times when I want to super impress someone, and then the same persons come over and I don’t care a bit. And then I’m so embarrased that I didn’t care that last time.
But you’re right. Let’s stop the charade. You first. No, I insist.
xx
ZippyZippy says
Great Post! I can’t agree more. You know what, I don’t bother tidying up when we have visitors. This is our home, not a display home. And, you know what else, the hubby say’s “sorry about the mess”!!! I could just bonk him on the head with a frying pan. I say, it’s not messy, we have 3 busy boy’s living here. For some people it just seems to be the way they greet visitors :/
Jacqueline.
Hi I'm Rhonda. says
Sometimes I do tidy up, but if I haven’t then I don’t apologize for it. And if I have spent all day cleaning, well I still don’t want to talk about my cleaning. As a matter of fact I could avoid ever talking about the state of my home or anyone elses.
Shelley @ My Shoebox Life says
*nods vigorously* We all do it though don’t we? I find the silly excuses spill out of my mouth whenever my MIL is around. From now on I shall stop saying anything at all. Can you imagine how funny it would be one day if somebody came into our home and said ‘Gee, your place is looking a bit grubby – is the cleaning fairy on strike?’.
Megan Blandford says
I love your honesty, B. I think if this world consisted of people like you and I it would be a very straightforward world indeed – no charades, no game-playing, no implications, just straight up honesty. I guess we can only dream.
So Now What? says
Our house is always a great big fucking mess. Only ever clean it properly when people are coming over. Yesterday, I cleaned it up for the babysitter. Found 2 dead apple cores under the couch and a festering bandaid behind the toilet. Agree with everything you wrote. My Mum always said “People are coming to see me, not my house and if they are, they are not my friends anyway” True xx
Tas says
All I am going to say on the matter is “Dull women have immaculate houses”
I have never thought about the amount of time women (because it is women, not men) do this little dance that you talk about. But you are right. Much better to spend time talking about world peace, Johnny Depp’s eyes or which ice cream flavours rock. Life is too short.
jane of all things motherly says
This comment has been removed by the author.
melissa says
I want it to stop too – but in my experience no-one ever wants to be the one to stop.
I’m always wondering what if those other people really DO live like that ALL THE TIME!
eeek!
Marina says
When I was a kid, one of my friends gave me a picture of an untidy bedroom with the slogan “My room doesn’t always look like this… sometimes it’s even worse!”
As an adult I have taken a permanent marker to that picture, crossing out ‘room’ and replacing it with ‘house’
Did you come to spend time with me or did you invite yourself over at short notice to make your self-satisfying judgements that you can throw back at me at some future date? (Thank you very much MIL!) I simply don’t invite people who come to check on the state of my house rather than visit with the people. And if they invite themselves, I find I suddenly have a very important errand to run!
The Mother Experiment says
My husband was VERY concerned about me on saturday because I had a panic attack (or 5) about the state of the house because his father was coming over for dinner. I hadn’t been able to “finish” cleaning although I’d done little else for days trying to get ready for him. Pathetic hey, this was family! I do feel like people will judge me on the state of the house because I’m a stay at home mum hence the whole housewife issue comes into play. I guess I don’t want to be labelled a “useless wife” and have the “what do you do all day” questions. but I too am sick and tired of it, and I’m trying to get over my need to pretend to be “good.”. 🙂