Firstly thank you to Maxabella for offering to me to write this post. It is the hardest thing I have ever written. It makes it real, for so long it has felt safe in my head, a story, a fictional life, but it isn’t. Life is not as dark as it may seem in this post, this is a mere slither, generally life is full of wonder, beauty and things to be grateful for and again thank you to Maxabella for reminding me of this. Oh yeah, and sorry it is really long!
When Maxabella emailed me earlier this week concerned that she couldn’t find my blog I didn’t know what to tell her. Part of me wanted to reply with some fluffy reason and another part of me wanted, needed to be honest.
You see late last week I all but deleted myself from the online world. Here is why.
Growing up all I wanted was a sister. Someone to play with, hold hands with, feel safe with and someone to share life with. But I already had a sister, an older sister, just not the one I wanted.
Schizophrenia is such a broadly used term these days but in the 70’s it was still a taboo subject. She, (I will call her she), has a mental illness, loosely diagnosed as schizophrenia but it is more than that. She is paranoid, angry, and worst of all violent. When she is triggered she is the scariest thing I have ever seen. Throw in a mass of illegal substances and really, you don’t want to even think about it.
This was my reality growing up. Thankfully not constantly, she would come and go and my parents protected me from the worst of it. Generally, I had a happy childhood, apart from these instances where she would again blow in to our lives.
When she was fine she was what I always wanted and still to this day part of me wishes she was. Another part of me, a larger part of me wishes she would expire from this earth.
I often question why there is so much tragedy in life. Innocent children with terminal illness, parents and children separated by tragic accidents, when people like her, seem to be invincible. Untouched by anything including the pain, hurt and fear to their victims.
In violent rages she has attempted the worst, family members including children have been exposed to this. I have too, in an incident that is my clearest memory, sadly, even moreso than the birth of my children. I remember breaking free in a split second of chance and running. I never knew I could run so fast. If only I was running toward something. I can’t articulate the feeling, or maybe I just don’t want to. Then a few years later in one violent eruption of rage she did the worst. A member of my family.
Finally, after so many years she was taken away. The relief I thought I felt wasn’t there. It intensified, for I knew how it would play out. Just as it had in the past. A master at manipulation and even with all of her history she would deceive her way out all too soon. Forever would have been too soon.
It is hard to explain what it is to live your life in fear. It isn’t a constant fear, which I know some sadly live with every day. God, I couldn’t even imagine. It is just a fear that is deep down in a pit deep in your stomach. Your senses are more acute, you feel the tingle of your adrenaline on the verge, ready to fight or flight, and it will instantly when needed. It may be walking down the street and you feel you have to look over your shoulder. A shadow out of the corner of your eye. It may be coming home and entering an empty house. It may be the strange noise in the middle of the night, or even in the middle of the day. The fear can be gripping, paralysing. My mind will race 1000 miles an hour playing out all the scenarios. Where I will hide, where I will run. I am never ready, but always preparing.
Many years have passed with nothing to be heard of. I have kept my profile low and getting married, the first thing I thought about wasn’t the joy of new beginnings with the love of my life, it was the relief of no longer carrying my family name. I couldn’t sign those papers quick enough.
But all this lead to complacency. Not a total lack of fear, but the feeling of what it is to lead a normal life. I started to do things I loved doing using my name. The online world beckoned and I began business. Along came social media and out there I was. Then I discovered blogging. Hesitant at first I again became complacent. It was liberating to feel free to write about my life, my family, the ups and downs, sharing funny and happy moments. A part of me was still careful of disclosing everything, but it did feel wonderful to relax a little.
Until now.
In a flash it all returned.
It only took me about an hour to wipe myself from the online world, although I am sure not completely, (is that even possible?) but enough for me to feel safe. Safe enough.
Now I am in limbo. Going from wanting to change my name, wanting to disappear myself, wanting to crawl in the corner of my wardrobe for as long as it takes for this storm to pass….again. But then, in the same moment, I want to be strong. To keep going on with life as it is. To be grown up. To stand up. But that is harder to play out than in my head.
I miss my blog. I miss sharing my thoughts. Perhaps it is what kept me sane all these years. My journals, my diaries, my writing, and then my blogging. The blog posts still run through my head continually. Maybe they will stop one day. Maybe not. After all I am a writer and it isn’t something you can just switch off, it is just now I have to do it just for me.
I have considered reinventing my blog under a pseudonym or anonymously but I can’t get my head around doing this. I want to be authentic, I want to be real. I don’t want to have to hide. But the world is a dangerous place, generally. There are people out there who can’t believe their lucky stars at what people share on line. We are today, the most accessible we have ever been.
For me, for now, as I said, I will write privately. This will pass. I think I will return in some anonymous state. I have a lot to share and perhaps I can share more that way. Perhaps in fact anonymously I can be free without caution, without the fear. For once.
Glen says
hard to read – but certainly not as hard as it was to write. I cannot even start to understand how you feel. I hope writing this has helped in some way and that you find a way to relax again soon. Keep going.
Kellie says
Wow. Thank you B for giving this person the space. Ditto to what Glen said, I hope you find a safe haven.
Ms Jelena says
Oh wow…I’m lost for words. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.
You write so beautifully though, so you should come back anonymously, under a different name or whatever you may decide. Good luck with everything! Hugs!!!
Than you, Maxabella, for giving space to this wonderful writer to express herself. I agree with you, you can be totally anon and still be very real.
xx
Leah says
Oh, honey. I think you need somewhere to express yourself. You certainly can be anonymous and real.
Lipstick and Licorice says
I think you will find an army out there you share in some ways, or even in all ways the experiences that began when you were so little. Some people experience this, some people don’t know what the hell you are taking about….I hear you…. and hope you can find your voice in some form soon X
Cherie @ 'a baby called Max' says
Wow.
I am absolutely speechless.
This was just the most MOVING post!
Literally. Speechless.
Hello anon!
My name is Cherie, & I’ve worked as a mental health clinician for 5 years (not long, but long enough for this post to have moved me to my core).
Thankyou for being a reminder that it’s not just the patients I’m caring for, but my goodness, their families too.
Schizophrenia is dark & dangerous.
So dangerous.
And the prognosis is just so poor, especially when illicit substances are thrown into the mix.
My heart literally expanded for you. You are so brave, & it’s not terrible to want her ‘to expire’.
You are just so brave.
And I have so much respect for you, whoever you are xx
So much love xx
cathy@home says
Maxabella what a lovely thing to do for a fellow blogger.
m.e (Cathie) says
i don’t know what to say, what a moving post.
I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling.
I hope you can get your story out even if it is anonymously, it can still be authentic.
hugs to you ♥
Deb @ home life simplified says
Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you feel safe again soon – I cannot imagine what it is like to be dealing with this. Keep writing and when you feel able to I do think you can blog anonymously and still be authentic.
Ms Styling You says
Wow, Maxabella … you are a special, special woman.
And to the anon writer … I know I’ve probably read your blog before, many times. I hope you stay safe and I hope you find a way to continue writing. x
Cat says
Oh blogger friend, what a gut wrenching story you have shared. I so hope you and your family are safe, know that you’ll be in my thoughts and that I so wish for you that peace. I grew up I a house that wasn’t totally safe (for vastly different reasons) and I know the sinking feeling of what you write all too well. Much love, Cat x
Beth @ Achoo You says
Dear Anon, what a brave girl you are, we are all here holding your virtual hand, I hope you find a safe outlet for your writing xxx
Maxabella your a freaking legend xxx
Jen R says
Positive thoughts that all settles quickly for you, my brother is on the same slippery mentally ill path, at the moment he has moved away(after 4yrs lvivng with Mum & Dad, he is 42 now) but I know he will be back…the unknown potential of their moods and violence is the really scary thing!! And the bloody way they can talk themselves out of treatment…frustrating!! Big hugs to you xx
Vicky says
This is why I think you’re a legend B. offering a safe haven for a friend. What a precious gift.
Anon… I recognize your Fear. Don’t let her take away the thing that helps you be. When you’re ready, come back, even anonymously. You can still be authentic and protect your identity. You have things of value that need to be said. Sending you love light and strength.
Sally says
Oh my. How very full on. I see no problem with writing anon. none at all. Safety should always be the first priority.
Dorothy Krajewski says
I’m glad you were able to share your story and stay safe. I think it is really important that we all share our dark stories, our darkest places, because that is the only way that we let light in.
I hope that the danger passes soon for you and that you can breathe again. Stay safe…
lyndaal says
oh this broke my heart… thank you for giving her the space to write Bron…the writer will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.
Life In A Pink Fibro says
Oh that hurt to read. I hope that you keep writing it all out in whatever form you can. Real is real. Safety first.
Toni says
Firstly, Bron, kudos for taking the time to track the writer down to see what was going on. I’m horrified at how ‘busy’ I’ve become, that I don’t even see when people drop off the radar anymore.
Secondly, HELL YES you can be anonymous and still be authentic. You would still be writing from your heart, and that’s the part that matters.
I wish you well, chick. Whatever you decide to do.
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
Bron, you are one amazing friend – to reach out to a friend and blogger in need. And what a moving post. You are one brave girl. Just keep doing what you do to help you through it.
thanks for sharing x
Taylor Made says
Wow extremely touching and “real”. Good on you for giving this friend a voice and a chance for others to send her encouragement. x
Karen at MomAgain@40 says
I think it is possible to be anonymous and still be real!
Hopefully, soon, you will be able to reveal who you are again!
the textured leaf says
You are amazing to have given of yourself like this.
Im sure you are aware of the healing effect writing has for yourself and for others.
My father was a schizophrenic but we never knew as children and only found out once we were older. I personally always thought it was the alcohol.
It would be an honour to be able to know more of your story once you are ready but anonymously certainly sounds like the most comfortable way for you at this moment in time.
Many, many prayers will be said tonight, x
Maxabella, you are the best, x
Wanderlust says
Anon – I’m glad you shared your story, as difficult and frightening as it is. I work in the social service field and I remember a similar client, with schizophrenia, and how it tore her family apart. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to endure, and what you continue to endure.
I know what it is to live in fear of someone and what they will try to do. It is oppressive. That’s the best word I can come up with. It throws a dark blanket over your entire life.
I, too, struggled with whether or not I should speak and I chose to speak and also to keep blogging under my real name. I still don’t know whether that was the safest decision for me, but it’s what my spirit needed.
I get what you say about needing to feel authentic. Yes, you can be ‘real’ under a pseudonym, but you can’t write about your family or post pictures or publish to your Facebook wall or twitter feed, etc. It changes everything.
I wish you love and safety on your journey. What you’ve experienced is traumatic and it will resonate with you for a long time. I hope you can find someone to talk to that can help you heal. Best of luck. xo
Bron – thanks for checking up with your friend and giving her a platform.
katiecrackernuts says
I hope you and your little family can feel safe again, start your blog again, share your life freely again. Soon. I hope.
Squiggly Rainbow says
Wow – your safety is paramount next to being completely authentic by being public. Writing is such a great release for the soul and way of reaching others. We don’t often talk about the hurts and pains. I began to do this on my blog with my Squiggly Sunday posts. When a family member read them and all hit the fan, I stopped. I didn’t feel that safe place any more.
To grow up with abuse and fear and loss is crippling. I pray this fear and hurt go for good and you will be free and safe. Blessings to you and to Maxabella too xxxx
Giving Back Girl says
Thank you Anon and thank you Maxabella, I have goosebumps. Write what you need to where you need to, but safety is paramount, sadly, we can’t protect in our virtual world, although we all wish we could.
Penny says
Holy hell. What courage. I have a friend whose brother is schizophrenic and involved in drugs. She looked after his 2 year old son because his mother committed suicide and his schizophrenia meant the child was in serious danger. She raised him as her own, until her brother came back. And started threatening her own family – her husband, her other children. She had to give him up – it just became too dangerous. The little boy is safe and well with a foster family, loved and protected. My friend cried for days. Schizophrenia is dangerous and volatile. I hope your sister find some sort of peace so you can too.
Kate says
Bron thankyou for giving Anon this space to use.
Anon I hope and pray you find a safe space to write if that’s what you need. I hope you can rediscover security in your own life as well. Much love to you.
Kim H says
Oh, what a sad, scary, raw story. What a brave, brave person you are to be writing about this and sharing with us even though you fear for your own safety and anomity. I don’t think I’ve read your blog but I so wish I coul read more of your writing. It’ so honest and real and humbling in so many ways.
I so hope you can find a way to share safely and keep your voice alive here. It’s a voice that needs to be heard, that’s for sure.
Thanks lovely, Bron, for allowing your place to be safe and secure and open xxx
Sarah@PingsAndNeedles says
Thank you Bron, for providing the space.
Thank you ‘anon’ for giving us the chance to hear such a beautifully written honest raw voice.
You are you. So whatever you are is authentic. real. The day will come when you feel safe to share your voice with your name. Really. It will.
Saffron says
Maxabella, you are a good friend to this person.
Dear author, writing is obviously within you and I’m sure you didn’t want to delete your blog and that you felt better after writing this post.
Take as much time as you need, grab a notepad, choose a name you’ve always loved and make a comeback.
What’s real is the feelings and experiences you’ll write about, which more people than you know can relate to. Whatever your name is.
Just think of all the celebs that have alter egos- might even make you write outside your comfort zone 😉
Stay strong x
Sonia @ Life Love and Hiccups says
To Anon I honestly with all my heart wish you all the very best that you can find safety and security and live the free live you sooo deserve.
Bron – you have such a big heart and this is why we all love you! xx
Tammi says
Boy, there are so many things running through my head at the moment. I grew up with an Aunty that has schizophrenia and remember times where she would visit and my mother lwould lock me and my siblings in a room cause she was so unstable and unpredictable. I remember quite vividly her losing it many times.
Being aware of the symptoms helped me tremendously when my dearest friend in the world whom I met at aged 5, developed it herself. Knowing that she needed I help I approached her parents but they didn’t want a bar of it and preferred to bury their heads in the sand. She had a few psychotic episodes before attempting to take her mothers life and I had no choice but to sign her committal papers. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and she was committed a few times before she was ready to accept that she had a problem that needed serious help. She hated me for the longest time but now that she is stable we are good, though I am always cautious and on alert when I see her.
I commend you for sharing your story, even today it’s not something that is widely talked about or even accepted. I really hope that there is someway for you to continue writing…I think Bron is correct in saying that you can still be real even when eing anonymous and who knows you may just touch the life of someone who is afraid to speak out 🙂
Xx
Sheila says
Such a great friend to let this person unload. A hard story to read, but I do believe you can blog anonymously and still be real. The writing would be real. The feelings would be real. I hope things get better again soon.
Veggie Mama says
It can totally be real. But more importantly, it is what you need. I’m sorry you don’t have the freedom the rest of us do, but I hope you come out of limbo and find that place xx
Anon for this one says
I’m writing anonymously because I’m going to mention a friend and don’t want my comment linked to me.
A friend of mine has 3 daughters and her youngest – the most placid and shy of all three – was diagnosed with schizophrenia when one day, she chased my friend through their house with a knife, wanting to stab her. She is now medicated, and I don’t think they have had further instances (that I know of), but by God…you’d live in fear, wouldn’t you?
So, I understand you Anon. I don’t blame you for leaving the online world either. You need to keep yourself, and your family, safe. I feel terrible for you and for your sister. This was not a life for either of you.
Sydney Shop Girl says
I can’t imagine how hard this was to write and my heart goes out to you and your family.
Writing is so therapeutic and it also has the power to help others who read your writing.
It is possible to be real and true whilst keeping anonymous.
Take care and I hope you do find a way to keep writing.
SSG xxx
Nat - Muddy Farmwife says
Such a moving post. Thank You for being brave enough to share it Anon. Sending love and hope to you that you can find some peace and a way to express yourself some more.
Maxabella, you are amazing, what a lovely thing to do for a friend.
Miss Pink says
While I feel awful at your situation, because it is a fear I too share, I couldn’t help but be bothered by this statement.
“I have considered reinventing my blog under a pseudonym or anonymously but I can’t get my head around doing this. I want to be authentic, I want to be real.”
I blog under a pseudonym, and do not share my face or pictures of my family, but let me tell you EVERY.SINGLE.WORD.I.WRITE. is real, and is coming from a real person. It’s not some fake life, or a make believe story. It’s just that I have signed a different name to my writing to protect my family and my own privacy. There are bloggers who I have met, bloggers I know in real life, bloggers who have met my children, but due to personal reasons I won’t put my name or face online.
I am still me, and my words are mine regardless of a name. It’s just a name! To say that I am less of a person because of that really hurts.
I am sorry that you were found out, but if you sign your name to something then you have to be prepared for that. It’s as easy as a google search. I wish that it didn’t have to change your blog for you, or your online presence and hope that you can find a way to come back to the blogging world soon.
Being Me says
Wow. Full on. Your urge o write will compel you to find a way forward. I wish you luck that it falls into place soon. And deepest apologies if you are a blogger I have known but have not noticed slip off my radar. Truly. Wake-up call to me.
Good on you, Bron. xxx
Bean's Mummy says
You can definitely be real and authentic without identifying yourself in the blogosphere. Like Miss Pink, I keep things anonymous but write my truth. Just because people name themselves and post photos doesn’t actually mean they are completely honest anyway, does it? I mean, we can all invent/exaggerate/paint pretty pictures with words and photos can’t we? We choose how we portray ourselves.
Sending out love and wishes of support to this friend in trouble. xx
Catherine says
This took so much courage to write. I hope that one day soon life will be good again that this time will pass quickly and that you can live safely. I hope that you can one day write again just the way you want to, in whatever form that may be, for your safety is so important and your freedom to write without any fear. Take care. xx
Anonymous says
Thank you everyone for your overwhelming support. I didn’t realise how significant writing this would be both for myself and others.
Not only was it cleansing and helped me confront my feelings, but it also brings up the major issues of lack of assistance, funding and facilities for mental health we have in this country.
Also it wasn’t a case of questioning others who write under another name, it was whether I was comfortable in doing that myself. I can see now that it is possible and perhaps I will be able to be even more authentic and not hold back. Everyone’s situation and lives are different. We all have our own demons to deal with don’t we.
I am not quite ready to return to the bloggosphere, but I think that one day soon I will be able to. Thank you all again. And of course Thanks Bron ♥ x.
supermac says
Maxabella, bless you for doing this. Prayers sent to the universe for your friend.
Tas says
What an honest, heart breaking post.
Writing like that- you wouldn’t be anything but real even as an anonymous person. I wish you all the best as you find your way towards better days.