More school drop offs and pick ups means more time to observe the schoolyard politics. Not a good thing for a paranoid over-thinker like me. Now I’m not just worried about my own children making their way in that murky battlefield we call the playground. Now I’m worried about everyone’s kid.
I overheard a group of year 4 girls today discussing who was rostered on to play with Emily. Yes, Emily rosters out her available playtimes. See, apparently Sarah gets to play with Emily on Mondays, Georgie gets her Tuesdays and Julia gets her Wednesdays and Thursdays, but not at recess because Sarah is back on for Thursday recess. I don’t know what Emily does on Fridays because Fridays were not discussed.
Part of me loathed Emily on sight (good hair, neat looking, entitled) and part of me felt sorry for her because a forty year old stranger loathed her on sight*. I wanted to go over to that group of year 4 girls and say ‘hey, girls. Listen to yourselves! A roster for friendship. What’s so great about Emily? Why don’t you all play together and leave her out for a change? See how she likes it? Roster her on for no-day, never, no way. Or, if you’re not mean and jaded like me, you could just ditch the roster system (which is overly complicated and surely not sustainable) and all just play together. See, you don’t ever want to let anyone have that kind of power over you. Don’t let them be the one to decide what you’re going to do and what you’re not going to do. As soon as someone is ‘letting’ you do something, it’s time to run, run for the hills and don’t look back, not even to pick up your favourite dolly. You hear me? You listening, girls? Girls?’
Instead, I backed away slowly. It was best for everyone.
I want to know what Emily’s got. What makes people flock to one kind of person and not another. Is the charisma thing working for them even in primary school? Does Emily just have more barbie dolls or parents that think that high heels and daisy-dukes are suitable attire for an 11 year old? What is it about Emily? And how can we best deal with her kind? (I can so feel a ‘difficult people’ post coming on …)
Every grown up person you talk to who must have been cool for school because they’re so hot right now attests to feeling just as left out as the rest of us. Will Emily say something like ‘oh, I was popular, but I just never felt like I fit in at primary school… I always just wanted this cool girl called Kate to like me but she wasn’t free on Fridays so… you know, that was that…’
[Image uncredited via weheartit, please let me know if it’s yours]
Lisa @ .Simply Me. says
Wow – rostering playtimes. I wish I could understand what makes kids behave like this, and how one draws others to them.
When I was at primary school (in year one), I remember choosing a girl to be on “lunch order collection” with me when it was my turn to choose, because then I was allowed to play with her that lunch time (and that lunch time only).
It’s sad in hindsight, how much I wanted to play with her and how she treated me (and others).
I think I’ll have to blog about this soon… you have inspired me to reflect on this 🙂
PS- I’m hosting a giveaway if you’d like to enter! Click here
Emily says
Generally, I don’t think the cool kids know or care, which is how they become ‘cool’ in the first place.
That or it’s the name. We Emilys are like so totally hot right now all the time. In fact, I won’t be replying to your next few posts as I have you and your sisters on a blog visit roster…
anastasiastarz says
I do believe that continues onto high school too :P, though it’s your friends vs your bf/gf.
Mum on the Run says
School yard politics make me uneasy.
Actually, all politics make me uneasy!
🙂 x
Life In A Pink Fibro says
There’s something about Emily…
Catherine says
It’s a complicated world out there in the school community. I feel sorry for Emily too why can’t children just play and have fun, rosters are way too serious at that age or any age when it comes to friends.
I don’t think the cool kids think they’re cool, I think they are just as insecure as the next person out there. Miss 8 always comes home talking about the popular girls in her grade but on the other hand she’s happy to just hang out with her friend. Her theory on why they’re popular is because they’re funny. That’s why I was never popular;) (lol) xx
Daisy, Roo and Two says
You know, I’ve wondered about this before.
I’m not sure Emily knows she is Emily right now – she probably rosters her time to be ensured of a playmate. In year four I had Kristy, and Michelle and I had to share her on different days, because Michelle did not like me. One night I had a dream that Michelle said we could all play together, and went to school the next day convinced we were all friends.
Not quite the case.
Child politics are beyond convoluted. I shudder at the thought of what my children may go through, but I guess those are the experiences that shape us.
I now have this thing where I will not force anyone to choose between myself and another person, and nor will I be forced to choose. I’m pretty sure I can thanks Michelle and Kristy for the lesson!
Alison says
When I was in year three Jillian told all the year three girls in my class that they weren’t allowed to play with me. So they didn’t. I still played with them after school and went over to their houses, but in the playground I was ostracised and had to instead play with the year twos. On the last day of school I rallied them all (except Jillian) around me at the top of the climbing frame and asked them “Don’t you think that Jillian is mean?” They all said yes and she ran away crying. I felt quite giddy.
Maryandlil says
YES. and YES. Oh i KNOW an Emily. and yes, she is like that too. I just wish kids would be kind and loving to all…but unfortunately girls in particular are awful in the playground. competition is everywhere and unfortunately they are learning it from a very young age. 🙁
Mama of 2 boys says
Oh no. please. stop it. This is a whole new level, isn’t it?? I find this post really interesting, as I have been quite concerned about the politics of school/school drop offs/pick ups of late. We get our first taste of it next year and in some ways I am terrified of it all. I walk past the school Angus will go to on our way to preschool. Thankfully, I have never overheard anything quite so repugnant as the friend’s roster, but I do find the the ‘cool parent’ dynamic intriguing… or maybe disturbing. I know we’re all just trying to do the best we can, but sometimes I wish ‘cool’ didn’t have to come into it, for children OR adults.
Caroline says
Wow, goodness I’m glad I’m not at school anymore! The ‘cool group’ is a strange phenomenon isn’t it? Every school has one, who knows what makes them cool? But it’s bloody annoying!
therhythmmethod says
Ha! I think this is my favourite post you’ve ever written. This is completely bizarre!! Roster system?
Girls that age can be catty and mean (and I suspect I was too at times, to appease our own ‘Emily’), but the whole rostering thing is something they have learned from their grown ups! We are becoming a ‘roster system’ society, this is how we organise our time, our business, and it’s not at all surprising that it’s ended up in our playgrounds. Holy canoly!! You can guess what I’ll be talking about at drop off this morning …
Corinne – Daze of My Life says
I find the whole social/playground rules aspect of parenting the hardest part so far.
I try not to get involved, but it often breaks my heart.
I worry about my eldest in the playground, she’s such a follower that she’d fall right into an ‘Emily roster’ no questions asked,
Number 2 likes playing with the boys, but recently a dominant boy at preschool announced that ‘girls stink’ so she’s now being excluded.
Urgh, kids are just awful.
Kim H says
I just love the way you write, Bron. You are funny and you so ‘get it’! You are so not an over-thinker, either. You are an interested partaker of the human race and I love that about you sooo much:)
I’ve often thought about this too. I know some of the ‘cool cats’ from my school days are pretty daggy now. Much to my revengeful relief. I’ve also noticed that the really smart ones don’t seem so smart anymore either. Coming back to your home town to live can be good for the school days healing process;)
Glen says
Apparently it’s to do with what milkshake they have in their pack up or did I completely misunderstand that song?
Michelle says
Argh… I tried to BE a cool kid… Failed. So I played with other ‘not cool kids’. Still not a cool kid… But I think I hang out with cool kids now 😉
Kelly Exeter says
Ohhhhhh nooooooo – this is surely not happening? I cannot believe school kids would be doing this 🙁
In answer to your question – I think in a school situation, the cool kids definitely know they’re cool. But in adult life – the people we think are cool are the ones who don’t think they are.
Lipgloss Mumma says
School yard politics. At 4! It is so hard as a parent to want to step in and organise them so they all just play together. But they need to work it out on their own. We are either leaders, followers or loners in the playground and that doesn’t change.
Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear that Miss 6 is only playing with one friend in the playground. I wonder why. Do they not want to play with her? Does she not want to play with them? Is she too bossy/quiet/different? What does she do when her bestie is off sick? Will she be alone?
Urgh. I hate it.
::The Beetle Shack:: says
hi, i’m emily 😉
Lisa H says
I’m glad I had boys. 🙂
Veggie Mama says
Where on earth is she learning this?! I have a hard time enough sticking to a roster as it is. What are her parents doing that she’s so effective at it?!
m.e (Cathie) says
ohh that Emily!! who does she thinks she is!!
as a mum of a shy little 6 year old my heart aches everytime I hear that so & so told her that she can’t play with them.
it breaks my heart to hear it and as much as I try to fill her with confidence and to love herself she just won’t be the “Emily”.
I am perplexed by 6 year old girl playtyime antics let alone 11 year olds..ohh gosh help me!!
♥
Bean's Mummy says
We moved interstate when I was 12. The girl who got the job of “looking after me” on my first day told me she would “ask” the others in her group if I could hang out with them. So I sat by myself at lunch, waiting and REALLY hoping I was in. Later that day I was given the news, the decision had been made – big fat NO. I daresay by an Emily?
Heartbreaking for me as a little year 7 girl at a new school…just horrible. Who says no??? I don’t get it. Thank goodness there is a happy ending to this story – I went on quickly to make friends with other nice little girls, some of whom are still good friends 20 years later!
Man kids can be cruel! Like you say, play together dammit!
Heather says
There is a little girl in ella’s year who is very popular and I have no idea why. She is a pretty little thing – kind of, but I don’t see her prettiness basically because she is MEAN. she is mean and she is in year 2, I HATE to think what she is going to be like in the older years. Thankfully Ella couldn’t give 2 hoots about her – it is me that focuses in on her and wants to know why. Why is she so popular when she is just so mean?? x
Gemma @ Jac Whippet says
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah says
I heard a grade one say to another girl – you are mt best friend forever!!! Ahhh it still goes on like back in my school days… I think it is still the same just we have more avenues for bullying etc (FB, mobiles etc)
Sarah says
SHould have added maybe it is getting more aggressive even dare I suggest violent. Abuse does not have to just be physical…
Bethanymarie says
Wow, sounds like the playground became more complicated. I was friends with a girl like Emily and learnt the hard way [her moving to a different school and not keeping in touch] that she wasn’t a true friend. I think eventually through time and knowledge gained along the way most people find their place whether popular/unpopular.
E. says
It’s horrible. Girls can be just awful to each other. It’s been happening to Girl Child since last year and has continued on. I just wrote a post about it because she is frustrated and lashing out because of it.
Do the cool kids know they are cool? Maybe, maybe not but some of the popular kids seem to enjoy playing people off against each other and telling others who they can be friends with.
Lizeylou says
Wowza’s … I wonder if Emily’s mum actually knows about this?
Anonymous says
I’m gobsmacked at the roster system!
Learning to stand back from my daughters playground politics has not been an easy journey. It hurts to see your children hurting and wallowing in confusion wondering why they can’t be friends with the “cool kids”. We have had MANY conversations with Miss 10 & Miss 8 about being and having true friends, and being confident and happy to be themselves. Lots of us grown- ups still struggle with this! I try to do my best to lead by example. Jac
Cath says
I just think all us non-Emily’s have finally found each other – here, online, a whole, big bunch of us! Oh, what a wonderful thing that is 😀
Anna @ green tea n toast says
I am that person too! Whenever we pass a group of children or a school trip out somewhere or if I’m walking past a school playground I always have to look out to see if there is anyone being left out or looking sad. If there is, my heart breaks and I try to catch their eye to give them a little smile in the hope it will brighten their day. I was that kid once upon a time and it’s so tough.
That is my biggest fear for my kids – I hope they don’t have to go through that, although I’m sure it is inevitable to some degree at some stage.
There is always an Emily though. Mine was a Helen. Things never change. But I always want to tell those children on their own at the side of the playground that they will turn out better in the end. They’ll be the ones to go places, see great things and be someone wonderful.
Great post Bron. x
tahlia @ the parenting files says
gee… it is scary! What have these girls come to? What has this world come to? I think the thing about bullying and these types of things is an inner pain and struggle for the bullier! Often in my experience these kids are trying to cope in their world and by being “cool”… well that is just something to make it a little better
Great post! xx
Kirsty @ Bowerbird Blue says
Maybe Emily’s actually lovely and has come up with a very practical solution to a demand supply problem. My eldest 10 year old girl is constantly torn by other girls who want to play with her exclusively. She hates it and wishes they would all play together but they just won’t, and it often ends badly when she tries. She’s quite happy with her own company and constantly turns down play dates. She hates disappointing others but really likes her own time too. Don’t be too quick to judge Emily maybe she’s under enormous friendship pressure.
Rhonda says
When I was in the 6th grade I had this group of friends and every week we would choose who wasn’t going to get to hang out with us. Even as it was going on I felt terrible about it, but in order to be in the “cool” group I just went along with it. Of course eventually it was my turn to be left out and I cried all week but then the next week I just was friends with them again.
Old me wishes someone had told her how utterly stupid this was, but young me knows that I would have thought whoever said that to me was an idiot.
Sassandspice says
Yes I actually knew an Emily in Year 2 and all I wanted to do was hang out with her. Even my mum fell for her saying how smart and pretty she was!
But I knew inside she didn’t really like me as much as I liked her. She just wasn’t in to me.
Then I moved schools and for the next 12 years I’ve always struggled with bullies and the ‘cool’ kids. It will be my worst nightmare if my daughter ever becomes ‘popular’. Because popular kids in school aren’t really cool. Cool is when you are courageous to be unique and have hobbies/talents which aren’t solely about making other people feel shit about themselves. You stand out and shine but you are also kind and have good morals.
Great post as usual 🙂 x
Anonymous says
Courageous to be cool. I love it!!
Tania says
DO. NOT. GET. ME. STARTED.
You are a smarter forty year old than I. Much smarter. After our last year of school kid dynamic crapola, I would never have been able to stop myself.
Seana Smith says
I’ve got a totally different take on Emily. She might be the kid with special needs that has a ‘helping hand’ from a friend each playtime.
When my Eldest was in the early primary years he had a wee roster of friends whose job was to be his friend each playtime, to help keep him engaged, to teach him the games they so easily understood but he didn’t.
God bless those kids, they’re all fifteen but I’m still so very grateful for their enthusiastic assistance, for their kindness to my soon.
Maybe, just maybe, Emily isn’t the cool kid.
Kymmie says
If I were sitting next to you, I would have been gobsmacked. I spend so much of my time telling my boys to be good people. To treat others right. To treat them the way they wish to be treated.
But you know what’s sad? It doesn’t always work that way. No matter how good you are to others, others may not be that good to you.
Yes, I worry for my kids. And all the kids that aren’t mine too.
xx