Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than visiting with a bunch of old friends. I’d rather deliver a speech to a room full of 1000 tomorrow than rock up to dinner with a cast of 10 tonight, eight years since I’ve seen many of them.
It’s not that I don’t like them. Indeed, I like them very much.
It’s just the weight thing. And the hair thing. And the wrinkles and weight thing.
Years ago I was your gal-about-town in full make-up and pretty hair every single day. These days I rarely worry about my appearance – I dress for speed, not style. The hair is mostly pulled back in my ‘signature’ (ha!) pony tail and the make up is non-existent. I don’t know what people think of me on a day to day basis anymore. Most of the time I’m a moving target anyway, so if people are commenting, I’m gone before I can overhear.
I think the thing about dinner with old friends is my own sense of inadequacy. I feel happier now that I don’t go to all that endless trouble all the time, but I still feel a little bit like I’ve “let myself go” and that hurts. The fact that my dear old friends will feel obligated to offer some kind of compliment about how I look hurts even more. “Oh, you look great,” they will say. “Your hair is so gorgeous” they will gush. And I know that compared to ten years ago, this is simply not true.
I just can’t handle a false compliment, no matter how well-intended it is. It’s hearing “You’ve lost weight!” every single time I go out. No, actually, I haven’t. But because I’m fat, that’s an easy compliment to butter me up with. I get it. You’re fat ergo you must be trying to lose weight so an affirmation will be appreciated. Instead, every time someone says that to me it reminds me that I need to lose weight but I haven’t.
I will be doing it myself, of course. A “love your dress!” will escape, followed by a “you look so great!”. We can’t help ourselves, it’s part of being friendly. We say nice things to others and we really mean it at the time, but the weight of their own expectations will cloud the way they hear us.
“Just accept the compliment with thanks,” my mother said to me years ago. I want to, but I just don’t believe it. It’s awfully hard being a realist sometimes… and isolating… and somewhat anti-social! I know I judge myself far harsher than anyone would ever dream of doing. Being kinder to myself might help me accept compliments with much more grace and courtesy than I currently do
So tonight, I am uncomfortable and dragging my feet a little. But once we’re past that awkward compliment stage, I will be so lost in my old friends’ company that I will forget all about criticising myself all over again. And that’s true friendship, at the end of the day.
[Image by Natalie Haywood]
Jane says
Oh Bron. You gorgeous girl. Your honesty and willingness to share really set you apart from anyone I know. I don’t care what they think. I know what I think. And I wish I was sitting next to you at dinner tonight! J x
Elisa {with grace and eve} says
I think that’s the key “being kinder to ourselves”. Still working on it over here! I’m working on accepting the compliment too – most of them time I’m thinking “really?” and forgetting to say “thank you”. And I’m so embarrassed by that. Hope you had a great night! xx
Libby says
I hope you have a great time! Don’t need to tell you how this post could have been wrenched from my own tortured mind:)
Totally relate.
Mrs Bok - The Bok Flock says
You’re accomplishing you’re interesting you write for other people!!!! You write about things we don’t often like to admit to. You’re brave open and honest. Who cares about wrinkles a bit of weight and hair that hasn’t seen a can of hairspray in a while…I’ll bet you’re the one everyone wants to talk to! But you aren’t alone. We are all our own harshest critics.
Mum on the Run says
It’s a skill I’ve yet to master – accepting a compliment.
Like you, I’ll look for the ‘real’ meaning or deflect or scoff and come across like an idiot.
I hope you have a ball tonight.
‘Cause once that initial part is outta the way – no one really cares how you look anyway.
It’s the conversation, the laughs, the heart.
Truly, I could care less if an old friend is twice as heavy, grey or in a tracksuit if she’s happy and healthy.
🙂 xxx
Squiggly Rainbow says
Not sure I can… I hear you and am feeling very much the same. I am not fat, however I am the largest I have ever been. When picking some new pics for the blog today, I did vainly chose the one without the double chin…. I think it is a good thing I have come to realise, that we must be comfortable in our own skins not to frock up each day anymore… I do think it is quite shallow to ‘need’ to pop on your best, make-up and hair every day… but then again…. this is what our society shouts is acceptable. Unless of course one is a stick and it seems one can get away with anything. Hope your night went well…. if it was me, I would have had a couple of glasses of wine to calm my anxiety! xx
Down that Little Lane says
I am a shocker.. I work my butt of to stay slim, it works just not the butt off part.. I can’t be too hard on the eye as some peeps still pay me to smile for the … Can I take a compliment? Nah. Do I even think I look good, nah
Who cares..my friends would still hug me twice the size and if I let my 90% grey hair grow out
Ok I would care and cry over old photos but REALLY I’d still have the good people in my life…..
Life In A Pink Fibro says
Oh Maxabella. I hope you’re having fun. You look great! x
Lou Lou says
I hope you whipped up your hair in its signature style and went out and had a blast with your friends!
Kim H says
We are definitely twins separated at birth!! The fat thing is so hard. I find it hard meeting people who didn’t know me before I was this weight. I feel the need to justify and comment on my weight just to make sure they know that I know how I look and that it hasn’t always been this way…I used to have nice hair, though I didn’t think so at the time, but now it’s gone weird and kinky and not soft anymore. I wished I’d appreciated myself abit more 10 years ago. Things only go down hill…
Hey, and Bron, I think you look gorgeous and I really, really mean it!!! I’m wondering whether your doubts about yourself taint the way you view compliments? I bet the compliments you get are really genuinely felt because you really do look gorgy!
I hope it went well last night. You know what I love, is when the old friends turn up all fat and wrinkly. Makes me feel really good inside;)
Miriam says
I don’t think there is one of us who doesn’t feel some sort of difficulty with an aspect of ‘who we were’ and catching up with people from our past. Lately I have been taking myself aside and saying – ‘you know how you look back at those photos and think you didn’t realise how great you were?? Well you are only going to get older, wrinlier, saggier…. so LOVE yourself now. Appreciate what you have and work at valuing how lovely you are right now.’ That’s my challenge. I also try to care more about the compliments that are about WHO I am not WHAT I look like. Being inspiring, creative, a great mum a fantastic writer – those are the things that keep me coming back to your blog – I’m not even sure what you look like but I’d love to be your friend. In keeping with this being a novel… I also think if I continually refuse a compliment people will eventually stop giving me them and that would be really stink…..I’d like to think I am easy to compliment and that I give people room to like me because that means I’ll get more of the same (and now I sound rather narcissistic!!) Love you, love your work xxx
Kate Sins says
If I start to comment on this I’ll be here all day, there is so much I have to say about ALL of it – so I’m just letting you know I’m here and reading…! xo
P.S. I bet they’re looking at you thinking ‘gawd, she has an awesome life, I wish I had her…[insert whatever their insecurity is]’…
Fiona says
Hmm. I’m off to a school reunion tomorrow afternoon. 25 years. Same issues. Wondering why I said I’d go. Will have a great time. Hope you do too!
•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• says
Our inner critics are the hardest to silence , I just wrote a post about it too. I know I don’t mind at all how my old friends look just love them as they are.
annie says
Ha! You are so right about the compliments. I am in the middle of my first chemo round and know i look like rubbish and will be bald and looking lie rubbish soon but people, even in the days straight after the chemo were saying, “You look so well! You look great!” It was all I could do not to bwhahaha out loud and roll about on the floor guffawing! I’m sure they thought it would make me feel better but what does make me feel better is that they care enough to try. Maybe they do think I look better than I feel and maybe your friend will simply be so pleased to see them that you will actually be quite dazzling to them. It is all in how we perceive each other not how we see each other really. Anyway they are probably wondering about how they will be perceived too. Isn’t that a prerequisite for reunion attendance?
emma @ frog, goose and bear says
And was it all fine after all?
We all stress about the unknown and it’s often no where near as bad as it was in our imagination. It has helped me over the year to remember that they are probably feeling the same thing. They are not thinking about you – believe me, they are thinking about themselves and what you think about them! Just like you are. I try and turn it around and spend all my time trying to be real and make others comfortable. Takes my focus off myself, which helps. Having said all that, I’d be petrified going to a high school reunion, but my issues would not be weight, even though I’m a good 15 kilos heavier than i was in high school, but that i’m a boring stay at home mum. no matter how proud i am of that, it’s not really a conversation starter or very prestigious.
F says
Such an honest post that everyone can identify with I suspect – though the source of the insecurity will be different for all of us. I don’t know why we all find it hard to accept a compliment when it is sincerely given – I often squirm when someone says something nice and then say something to deflect it – when really the person giving the compliment wants to be nice. I think it’s something women struggle with more than men – if someone compliments my husband I can see he visibly brightens and just says thanks. I find that hard to do myself. I hope your dinner was fabulous and I for one would have loved to sit beside you and chat Fx
mel @ loved handmade says
I’m sure we all judge ourselves way too harshly. My Aunty used to say the same thing to me as your Mum did. It stuck somehow, and I’m much better at taking compliments these days, though still so often the ‘oh no, I really don’t’ or ‘this old thing’ kind of talk is out before I know it! I try to remind myself of that song (can’t remember by who) when he says something like ‘enjoy the way you look, when you look back in 20yrs you’ll wish you’d realised back then just how good you did look..’ or something..xx
E. says
Great post. It resonates with so many of us.
I hope the courteous pleasantries don’t last too long so you can enjoy your evening with your friends. Old friends are lovely to catch up with. Have fun.
Kymmie says
We are our harshest critics, don’t you think? Friends don’t really care, as long as you don’t. But if you care, they do too. So, the secret is not to care. Just like those people you were zooming past just last week.
You are beautiful. And it’s not the wrinkles and weight that matter. It’s what’s on the inside.
Love you girl. xx
Lauren says
Hope it went well Bron! xx
Joni Ibarra says
I hear you! I feel the same & I think you got it right that we do need to be kind to ourselves so we can accept compliments better. I’m about to prep for a party right now & I’m sure the first thing I’ll hear from people is how I lost weight. Have a good weekend!
Miss Mandy says
Well I didn’t know you then, and don’t really know you now, lol. But what I do know of you I really like.
You’re quite an inspiration.
I totally get the how compliment thing, you know the difference between genuine and not so genuine. ignore and move on.
Carli (Tiny Savages) says
Hope it went well Bron. I’ve struggled with the “I’ve let myself go” feelings since child number two. I could be judging myself too harshly or just in need of chocolate 😉
Jenny says
I’m not good at taking compliments. Of course it’s nice to receive them, but I don’t know HOW to graciously receive them. I feel silly.
Rhonda says
I feel weird about compliments although I am getting much better. I am still somewhat antisocial though. I hate large groups especially. A small gathering is nice sometimes but I find that I love the planning much more than the actual event!
Sonia LifeLoveandHiccups says
I did not go to my high school reunion for EXACTLY the same reason. I get it, but I am also guilty of it too. I suck at accepting compliments, I am such a cynic in so many ways that I often find them hard to believe – probably also something to do with my own insecurities. xx