When we talk about ‘winning’ and ‘losing’ and teaching our kids how to be good at either, we are generally talking about sports, right?
I’m not talking about sports.
In fact, I try not to talk about sports very much at all. I particularly try very hard to avoid using sporting analogies for life because I know nothing about most sports and end up mixing my games up and sounding like a right loser. Which sort of defeats the purpose.
Sport may or may not be a metaphor for life but I’d rather talk about winning and losing in life itself. How do we help our kids take all of life’s knocks and come up smiling?
Being a good loser means you are many things, but in particular it means:
- You are self-assured.
- You are empathetic.
- You are gracious.
But even though we know that losing well is a ‘good thing’, building our children into good losers can be one of the hardest lines we’ll walk as a parent. Are we sending them the message that doing their best, striving to be on top, working really, really hard and then not making it is… okay?
Er, well, yes, yes we are. That’s exactly what we’re trying to do. Even though today’s thinking bandies slogans like “If you can dream it, you can achieve it” and “the only thing standing between you and your goal is you” and “You can do anything”, the fact of the matter is that not all of us are going to achieve everything we ever dreamed of. And that’s okay.
It’s a healthy and necessary part of life to accept that not everything is going to go your way, no matter how much you want it to, no matter how much you dream it to be so.
We all lose sometimes.
Here are five ways I think you can help grow your child into a good loser.
1. Work on their empathy
Children may be selfish little critters for developmental reasons, but they can certainly be shown that empathy is desirable from any age. Children younger than two will comfort another child who is hurt and will definitely show worry and concern if their parent seems sad or upset. Noticing empathy is the first way to foster it. Modelling it the second.
2. Use sports as an analogy for life
Did I just say that? Well, it’s sort of unavoidable, isn’t it? Sports are such a convenient way to show that losing isn’t the end of the world, that sometimes the better team doesn’t win on the day and that cheering for the other team when they win doesn’t mean you didn’t want to be the winner yourself.
3. Emphasise the journey
Every day is an opportunity to show your child that appreciating the fun of the journey is just as important as reaching the destination. Make a long walk to the shops more fun by rallying a scavenger hunt. Take on activities that take a long time to accomplish (such as a big jigsaw puzzle or, let’s face it, toilet training) and remember to celebrate the sequence of events as you go. Emphasise the effort, skill and lessons within the journey and try not to make a particularly big deal when you reach the end goal. This all teaches our kids that life is good along the way, whether we reach the goal or we don’t.
4. Get ready for next time
Learning to be a good loser means understanding what makes a good winner. Talk to your child about why people win – what did they do differently to those that didn’t get there? What skills did they have that you can help your child develop? Did they put more effort into the task through practice and consistency? Did they read their environment in a more creative way? Take a good look together and work out a plan for trying again. Doing this will definitely take the sting out of losing and help your child feel ready to give it a go next time.
5. Be a good winner
It goes without saying that a gracious winner will make a gracious loser as well. Gracious winners don’t brag or crow, they don’t do an elaborate victory dance with fist pumping and footwork they copied off the tele. My husbie’s number one rule when we all play ball games is “no showboating”. Instead, thank your competition and admire their achievements – they may not have ‘won’ but there are always small victories along the way to admire.
Helping your child accept their wins with the same quiet humbleness as you wish them to accept their losses means that in the end your child will hopefully start to think they are exactly the same thing.
Hmmm… would you rather raise a competitive winner or a gracious loser?
I’m bringing some of my fave posts I’ve written for other sites ‘home’. This post was originally published on Village Voices.