Yesterday Kahli from little. lovely guest posted her ‘Top 5 tips for working mums” over at Fat Mum Slim‘s. I started to write a comment in reply and then realised that my comment was growing and growing and, really, I should just write my own post and link on back.
So, what made my comment grow and grow?
Well, I had issues. As much as I appreciated where Kahli was coming from (and indeed, on investigation of her site, she seems more than a little lovely herself), I felt that many of her “top five tips” missed the mark for over-stretched, over-committed, over-it mummas. Here are Kahli’s tips and my thoughts in reply:
1. Get organised. I’ve found the most important key to success has been organisation. The more organised I am, the less stressed I feel. Plan your weekly meals in advance, order groceries online and always organise as much as you can the night before to avoid a mad rush out the door.
100% agree with you, Kahli so, ah… moving right along.
2. Leave guilt behind. Guilt is often a working mother’s nosy neighbour, popping in when you’re busy, tired or simply feeling low. Try to leave guilt at the door. More often than not, it’s a sign you’re trying to be the best mother you can be and that’s all you – or anyone else – can ask for.
Seriously? A neighbour? Guilt is more like my permanent lodger, popping in all day, every day. I can’t leave it at the door because it lives inside me. If I’m going to be a happy mumma and worker, I need to embrace the guilt and make it work hard for its keep. So if I’m feeling guilty about a particular thing, I don’t ignore it, I investigate it and try to find ways to change things enough to keep guilt a happy camper.
3. Define work and play. If you’ve found yourself rocking a baby with one arm and responding to emails with another, try separating the two. When you’re working, work and when you’re mothering, mother. Otherwise you may feel you don’t either well. This might mean getting up early or working after your babies are in bed, but you’ll probably find you’re far more productive (and happier) when you do.
This one doesn’t come up much for me as I mainly work away from home and when I do work from home my children are in their regular daytime places (school, preschool, with grandparents, daycare). BUT… in general I think the boundaries of ‘work time is work time’ and ‘home time is home time’ end up creating more stress than they hope to prevent. Of course they are going to blur – it’s not work/life balance, it’s just life. Mine changed for the better when I got a BlackBerry that meant that I can do after hours work where ever I am, if that’s what I choose to do.
My advice to mums who do work from home and are stressed to the max is to question whether you really can be committed to two full-time jobs that require your attention at the same time. Look for loving childcare alternatives to help you make it work. Or ensure your work knows that you will be working from the hours of 7pm until 1am or whatever works for you. Otherwise, you’re really not doing either your babies or your work a favour and it’s not fair on anyone. Especially your little ones because if you’re anything like me you really like the work you do and can get totally absorbed in it such that a little voice saying “Mummy can I” becomes like nails down a blackboard and it takes everything you’ve got not to snap bile at your little needy dearheart for interrupting your fun… Yes, I believe in the maxim “you can have it all, just not all at the same time.”
As for getting up early to fit yet more stuff into your already over-burdened day, you must be joking, right?
4. Cherish your time off. We all know quality isn’t married to quantity so make your evenings and weekends sacred. Happy memories aren’t based on a catalogue of hours spent together, but rather what you did in the hours you had. The emails, washing and housework can wait.
Unfortunately, the emails, washing and housework really can’t wait. If they wait they have a tendency to interbreed and create a giant overflowing inboxing, clothes wrecking, filthy mess loving beast who sucks the very life out of every household it encounters.
I don’t know about Kahli, but there is no way I can just down tools and have a sacred evening or weekend as a family knowing that the beast is hungrily eating my house. So my advice here is to get the lot done as quickly as possible (cut any reasonable corner and speed a little – there are no traffic cops here) and then get out of the house for family time so that those little urchins of ours don’t start feeding the monster again the second you’ve finished.
5. Be kind to yourself. Juggling work and the responsibilities of a family can be tough, so be kind to yourself. Take an extra long bath or buy a new magazine. And remember, it really doesn’t matter if your floors aren’t clean enough to serve dinner off. That’s what tables are for.
Be kind to yourself. Let the kids skip a bath or buy a new babysitter. And always remember that this is your actual life, not some weird dream you’ve found yourself in. So have a laugh whenever you can (laughing at the people with young children who are still trying to keep their floors clean would be a good place to start). That’s what life is for.
Did you find Kahli’s tips useful? Do you have other tips that might be helpful for over-burdened mothers?
[Image by Charles Gullung]
Nomie says
I read these too and had some thoughts… but I have to get to work now. But I will just say I found most of the tips glossed over things.
And guess what? Most days I don’t have guilt that I go to work. I love it. It makes me a better Mum.
As for time off… I do cherish it, but in the real world even though my job is away from home it does sometimes mean I have to respond to emails, phone calls etc and the kids are ignored for a while.
My Hubby on the other hand works from home and sometimes his day is completely written off due to kids… it’s an utter pain, but sometimes that what happens no mater how much you try to separate the two. So my advice is that some days you’ve just got to roll with it and then work like a demon in your cherished time off… because sick kids come first, but deadlines are still deadlines.
Imperfectly Me says
Ahem, I’m getting visions a Bree type…is there just the merest hint of patronizing in there?? I’m soooo with you. As you know from my mother-guilt post (http://crepeexpectations.blogspot.com/2010/09/imposter-syndrome-part-ii.html).
Next stop, over to Kahli’s to see exactly how old and how many ankle biters she has. Oh and then I’ll be sitting down to eat my weeties off my floor 🙂
life In A Pink Fibro says
I can’t respond to this. Would take another post. Suffice to say I think everyone should do what works best for them. And organisation is at the heart of it.
Imperfectly Me says
oh oh, I think I may have been a tad harsh…I didn’t mean to be, that’s what I get for posting comments before eating anything!! 🙂
PinkPatentMaryJanes says
Oh, timely post. Sick child just came in, threw her arms around me and said “Can’t you find another job that lets you spend all day with meeeeeee?” Um, no.
I think the only thing all working mums have in common is the need for organisation and prioritorisation. Oh, and guilt, we all get the guilt: off at work working, full-time mum working, part-time… Apparently guilt stops when you’re dead.
Mrs Woog says
I am a selfish being. I believe that if I am happy, then the Woogettes and Mr Woog will be happy. So I do put myself first. Treaing myself to a new magazine is not really a treat. I hate mess so I am a speed cleaning freak. My kids are 4 and 6 and they both dote on dad and he is hands on. So I guess I am selfish and happy. I used to have guilt about everything…. far more stressful times. I loved this post Maxabella and totally get where you are coming from. xox
toushka says
yeah everyone needs to do what works best for them and, geez I just agree with everyone really.
I found the tips did gloss over a few things but that’s probably because it was a guest post made by a busy mother on another busy mother’s site who is getting guests to post because she’s too busy and the guest is probably really a bit too busy herself.
I still try to keep my floors clean – “keep” might be the wrong word – I clean if someone is coming over is what I mean.
The rest of the time I embrace the monster that eats my house and we drink coffee and read blogs together.
Chicken Willow says
I much prefer yours…at least they made my eyes water from laughing, life’s supposed to be funny right. I can’t remember the last time I mopped the floors.
I’ve finally caught up with reading your blog from the last few weeks. I didn’t want to skip any posts because they are so well written and funny.
Thanks for making my day a little bit more entertaining! xx
Jodie at Mummy Mayhem says
Well said, hon!
I think there’s no magic recipe for happiness, we just have to do what we can, take advice on board and then either use it, or find something that works better for us.
I haven’t worked since my 8yo was born, so I can’t comment about that situation, but I will say that I still feel guilty when I, say, decide to spend an hour blogging rather than sitting on the floor building Lego with him, but I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes I just have to do stuff for me.
I think mothers always experience some level of guilt, no matter how much they do or how they do it. I don’t think it’s something you can push aside – just like you said, you have to embrace it!
xxx
Eastlyn and co. says
I’ve tried that “e-mails, washing and housework can wait” approach, and trust me when I say the monster has full control of my residence. At first when people doled out that “sleep when the baby sleeps” and “don’t worry about that laundry; get some rest” business I had some subconscious expectation that, like the story of the elves and the shoemaker, I’d awake to clean, folded laundry and cabinets full of clean dishes. WRONG! I awoke to more mess and dishes and dirty laundry. My babies are 12 and 14 and I’m still trying to “tame the beast!” Like most people agree, to each his (her) own.
Mama Hen says
Goodness, I have not started back to work yet, but will when Little Chick goes to school fulltime. I think that working or not that moms feel guilt. Organization is something we can all use to help feel less stressed. You are right about things like the laundry and the dishes won’t wait. There is always something that needs to get done. It is hard to find that moment for ourselves. I hope all is great with you Maxabella! Have a great week!
Mama Hen
Cat says
I’m going to fence sit & say that I love tips like these from both of you in general cos they make me question my own way of doing things and I take something away from them. I agree with you in the housework situation and for me, I work that in to my schedule as best I can whilst lowering my standards a little. Being organised, or at least trying to be so, is the key for me. I love your tip about having a laugh though cos you’re right, it’s not exactly how I envisaged my life when I was 15, running between the DVD player, the laptop and the coffee machine in order to keep someone happy. 🙂
Jess says
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Jess says
Point 4 really stands out for me. I strain an eyeball everytime someone trys to give me this advice. Relax – let the washing/cleaning/shopping/general shit that has to be done wait…Yeah right. I am also a self proclaimed speed cleaner and cant actually physically relax if its not done. And the idea of leaving it for a whole weekend is laughable.. Can you imagine?
x0xJ says
Hmmm i feel like the idea’s are a seed that’s been planted. They sort of bring up obvious answers that are really far more complex, at least IMO.
I had a good chuckle of get up ealry to work or stay up late…ahh to be blessed with kids that actually SLEEP. Oh that would be nice. When my kids are in bed, i am IN BED and i still rarely manage oer 6 hours sleep a night (and this is a broken 6 hours, which leaves me quite grumpy, because well, i like my sleep, lol).
And honestly? I cannot relax if my house isn’t clean, so having a “relaxing bath” or “reading a magazine” wouldn’t happen before the housework is done, and thus i wouldn’t get these little luxuries.
I would love to make it work, and i’ve said it before i have mucho’s respect for the working mother and i admire how much they cram in, but for me? It just doesn’t work. At least i haven’t found the secret formula for us.
Kylie @ The Rockgarden says
I’m loving the banter and tips at the moment, as the panic about returning to work is building, building, building. A low, stewing, bubbling mass of ….. er, sorry, got a bit lost there.
Anyway, keep the tips coming, I’ll take it all in and pick the pieces that work best for me.
MomAgain@40 says
I love your response on the tips! Amen to that!
But we have to have some pie in the sky goals for working moms – then we know we can do it better! 😉
ClaireyH says
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gill@OurParklife says
I am generally wary of parenting tip lists….like Pink Fibro said i think people need to do what works best for them…
I get very annoyed with my partner when he tells me to “just leave the housework” as it makes it a lot harder to prepare dinner in a messy kitchen so it really makes more sense to me to stay on top of the housework…
I don’t want to make light of this topic but for me, I find how well I cope depends upon my attitude and how I am feeling…. Some days things goes well, some days they don’t. It usually depends upon my sense of humor about life!
Gill@OurParklife says
Obviously today I have a sense of humor….In regards to coping, o another day, you could get a totally different response!
Melbourne Mumma says
I particularly agree with you on No.4. I enjoy the ‘quality time’ more when (a) when we are out of the house and (b) there isn’t a bomb site to come home to. I envy some people who can just turn a blind eye, but I can’t!
Chantelle {fat mum slim} says
Thanks for your response. I’m all for more tips. The more tips the merrier. We all come from different walks of life, different jobs, different families, different pressures… no mother is the same.
I appreciated what Khali put together for my blog. I think Khali did what any good guest poster/blogger would do. She considered the tone of my blog when she put together her piece. My blog has a warm, easy feel to it, and if Khali has put together a piece that stated that we should/must do A, B, and C, on 1, 2 and 3… then I probably would have politely declined her post.
What she did was share what she’s learnt about being a working mum, what she’s learned along the way. Was it all relevant to me? No, it wasn’t. Did I take some on board? Yes. I have a daughter that doesn’t sleep. She likes to be attached to me 24 hours a day. If I try to escape early in the morning… she notices my absence and promptly wakes. I spend the working day with her on my lap… typing one handed with growing frustration. I most certainly am struggling with the juggling act of motherhood and work (and everything else) and will take any advice on board. You never know when you might find a gem.
Am I busy? Yes I am. I’ve never been busier. Am I too busy to blog? I think I can always find time to blog… the quality and quantity definitely changes when there’s more time available. The reason I’ve had guest bloggers in, isn’t due to being busy. It’s actually something else… but this isn’t the place to talk about that.
So… you know what I’m like. I just want mums to unite and give each other a big warm squishy hug. This motherhood gig ain’t easy. I just want us all to hear each other out. Tell each other we understand, that it will get better. To tell each other that we’re doing a good job.
Sorry. This has turned into a blog post in itself (well, it feels like it when I’m typing away in this teeny box). Thanks for sharing your insights and feedback. I’ll let Khali know that you’ve shared, so that she can perhaps respond if she desires.
I hope we all find the solutions we’re looking for. xx
Khali says
Thank you for your response and comments regarding my guest post at Fat Mum Slim. I’m sorry that so many people found issue with what I wrote.
Being a mother is a tough job, so I wrote my guest post in the spirit of trying to be supportive of other mothers by sharing what works for me.
Like others have said, I believe each woman needs to figure out what is right for her. I had a tough time figuring out what worked for me as I began juggling work and motherhood and was hoping that sharing my tips might spare some of that grief for other mothers.
I was hoping that working mums might find something in the list that resonated with them. It wasn’t meant to be patronising or instructional and I’m truly sorry that it was interpreted that way.
I don’t imagine that getting up early and working late would work for everyone, but it works for me and I thought it may work for someone else too.
When I mentioned that housework can wait, I wasn’t suggesting that anyone should live in filth and squalor. I simply meant that *I think* that my other priorities can wait until I’ve had some quality time with my children – whether that quality time is ten minutes or ten hours.
For the commenter who asked, my children are two and a half and one and they still don’t sleep through the night. I also understand that I’m only just starting out in my motherhood journey and that different life stages will bring different challenges that I’m yet to face.
I did gloss over many of the points I raised, but I did so because I was guest posting for Chantelle and doing adequate justice to each point would have meant writing a book rather than a blog post.
I’m truly sorry if my guest post offended or upset anyone, because it wasn’t the spirit in which it was written.
Khali
x
alexkeller says
impossible to separate the two – i’m always multi- taksing. i say hire a maid to clean the house once in a while, and skipped baths make the next one that much more fun!
cooperl788 says
I don’t work right now, since I’m home with Georgia, but I really liked your commentary on all of her suggestions. I grew up with a working mother, and I found that our house was a happier house if she came home on time, and then did work from home while I worked on my homework. We could share time together while she was working. I think the bottom line is that everyone has to do what works for their family, and while her suggestions probably work great for her, doesn’t mean that they work for everyone. And I’m your newest follower!
Gina says
Geez!
I like that you’re willing to critique, or offer a different perspective, Ms Maxabella, even if you cop some flak for it.
Meanwhile, I’m increasingly contented being at home full time so have nothing much to add to the matter. Except that I could beat you all hands down in the disgusting-floor status (even though I allegedly have the time to clean it. Although on the other hand, when the rugrats are around the house more, there is more opportunity to splat soggy weetbix everywhere and less sprog-free space to wipe it off… gross.)
Lori @ RRSAHM says
Wow!! I missed all of this. Brilliant post Maxabella- I totally see your point (but, having said that, I haven’t seen the full original post either).
Lori @ RRSAHM says
Pssst- Bella, is it OK if I feature this one on AMB this week…? I’m going to take a stab in the dark that you’ll say yes,, and put it up xox
Being Me says
I think you polished the points very nicely. No offence to well-meaning original poster, of course. But yeah… leaving the housework and washing until later… I can’t even finish that sentence. It makes me depressed and on a hair-trigger if I let it build up. I know. I tried! Er, it might be good advice for the few, but not for all.
Kymmie says
Ah yes. Now I remember this post.
I actually really liked what Khali had to say, as it seems she works from home rather than in an office. I do very similar things to what she had written about. Get organised – check. Leave guilt behind – check (and I wrote a whole post about this called “Thinking Like A Man”). Define work and play – we play every morning and then I work every afternoon – check (connected very closely to leaving the guilt at the door and thinking like a man). I do find it hard to cherish time off seeing I get work calls at random times, and work late at night. I cherish time off, but hardly am kind to myself. I think a magazine and bubble bath is a total treat! I use to get up early to work and found it was the only way I felt less pressure during the day. But I was exhausted. I also wait until the kids are sleeping to work as you can’t have children hanging off each leg while you’re trying to make a work call. It’s hard to concentrate and just plain unprofessional. I think your comments expanded on what was said and was stated from the point of view of NOT working from home.
Anyhows, now I can remember it all in its perspective.
Thanks for the link back. I really enjoyed reading how you do your every day on Planning With Kids. The mind boggles really, doesn’t it?
xx