A fellow mum was telling me about the bullying her lovely little girl is suffering through in Kindergarten – Kindergarten! She’s an exceptionally pretty little thing and I think she’s basically being picked on because other girls are jealous. Kindergarten! They tell her all sorts of awful things about her appearance that simply aren’t true, but soon will be. Truth is what we believe about ourselves, after all. It reminds me of how Michelle Pfeiffer grew up thinking she had a face like a duck because that’s what all the girls at school always told her.
“I can’t believe kids as young as five even have an opinion on this stuff,” I told Kate. “They get it from somewhere – I think you should talk to their parents.”
But my friend is too scared to raise the subject with the parents and hasn’t said a peep to them despite the fact that the bullying has been going on since the beginning of the year, the school is involved and her daughter has started being counselled for school refusal because she is so just miserable. Kindergarten!
Now, I know it’s a delicate matter and I also know that I am completely unqualified to advise on delicate matters. See, I’m not suggesting for a second that Kate should march over to the parents of the children responsible and tell them that their kid is a bully… but I sort of am. I mean, maybe not a march, but a kind of casual saunter?
Surely there is a way to get the parents involved. Why should Kate have to tip toe over their feelings and worry that they will feel ‘attacked’ by the knowledge that their child is saying hurtful things to another child? Isn’t the fact that their child is basically attacking her daughter justification enough? Why can’t parents talk about their kids in a calm, rational way? Listen to what Kate has to say, talk to their child about it and then work with Kate to find a solution that is beneficial to all the kids involved. Why can’t that happen? Why do most parents seem to think their children are absolute angels when we all know that’s simply not true? Aren’t they open to knowing their actual child, not their made-up child?
“You could always pretend they’re not wearing any pants,” I suggested brightly. “You would feel so much braver about approaching them sans pants.”
Kate smiled: “Hey, mister, you forgot to put your pants on this morning, but no matter, I need to talk to you about something important… yep, that would be so much less intimidating, I could definitely approach him if he wasn’t wearing pants.”
These parents are just parents, like you and me. Just people. Kate only finds them intimidating because she’s already decided that they will hate her for bringing them bad news about their kid. Whether that’s true or not – I know, for example, I would be very, very pleased that someone cared enough about their child and my child to want to talk to me if my own children were being nasty – it doesn’t matter. Kate won’t stand up for her child because people wear pants. Lots of people don’t stand up for themselves because people wear pants.
You know what, people will always, always wear pants. It’s up to us to find them no less intimidating because of that fact. It’s up to us to see the pants and do it anyway.
What if the whole world forgot to wear pants… would you do things differently?
Lila says
It makes me so sad to hear this.
Because Eve is much smaller than the other children in her childcare room they call her a baby. It brings back so many horrible memories for me. It’s weird how people automatically isolate people they decide are different and do mean things.
I think no pants would be a wonderful social leveller.
Maxabella says
No pants would help, but so would parents who taught their children about being kind rather than panicked and told them to follow the flock. x
GoodThingsSmall says
This is terrible, I really feel for your friend and her daughter. It would be intimidating to approach other parents. People do tend to be defensive about their children – perhaps they feel that whatever you are saying about their child is a reflection of their parenting? Which certainly is not necessarily the case. Maybe they will be objective and open to talking with your friend about the situation and solutions, but I can understand her hesitancy. Maybe she needs to consider the worst that could happen and decide whether it’s something she can live with – they get defensive or are rude and choose to do nothing? Oh well, at least she’s tried. I hope that however the situation works out that your friend’s daughter comes through it well, knowing that she is beautiful and being stronger and more compassionate from the experience.
Maxabella says
No matter what, I think this little girl will be just fine in the end – children with wonderful parents always are. You are so right in your analysis of what might be going through the other parents’ heads. I just wish we weren’t so darn defensive! x
Bele @ BlahBlah says
Oh, this is horrible. If my child was bullying or even tagging along with a bully I would want to know and I think most reasonable parents would want to know and those that don’t want to know, well they should go pantless.
Maxabella says
Absolutely, we need to seize their pants immediately, Bele. x
Carolyn @ Champagne Cartel says
“See the pants and do it anyway” is my new favourite quote.
And I would want to know if my kids were doing that because I don’t want them to grow up thinking that sort of behaviour makes them clever or awesome in any way. Having said that, I have to admit I might not receive that information in the most gracious manner, depending on how it was delivered, of course.
But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t hear it. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t intervene and try to stop my kid being a dick.
I hope your friend stops seeing pants, or does it anyway. I think it’s important for our kids to see us sticking up for them, especially when it’s hard. Regardless of the outcome, we are their champions, and they should know we’ve got their back. Hope it all works out. xx
Maxabella says
I agree. It’s a really hard thing to hear, but the alternative – to not be forced to face our children’s less pleasing behaviour – can have such consequences. I hope Kate gets there too. x
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
This is too common and too sad, Bron. I actually did do the march, but only after I stopped the bullying when I saw it happening, not 5 metres away from me!
That resulted in a trip to the principal for me; she congratulated me for standing up for my daughter, but said I couldn’t defend her on school grounds. What the???!!!
So……new school, strict but fair rules, and a very happy child. That was 3 years ago, but it still makes me sad to think of the other kids there who just have to endure bullying because of ridiculous rules.
No pants for everyone!
Maxabella says
That’s actually really shocking! To think that school is not a place where we can actually parent our kids… I’m glad you changed schools!! x
Penny says
There’s a right way and a wrong way to approach parents but then again, some parents are overly sensitive about their children’s behaviour. It’s a hard one but I’d like to think that I would stand up for my child should I have to. Done the right way, the worst that can happen is that they disagree and there’s uncomfortable tension. My child is worth that temporary pain.
Maxabella says
I totally agree, Penny. I will always plough through the tension if it means I’m at least trying to help my child in some way. Tact is important, but sometimes we just have to take a bit of awkwardness to grease life’s wheels as well. x
Megan Blandford says
I did the march – actually, a very tactful tiptoe (for me) – and it caused an enormous uproar. But I wouldn’t change a thing, because at least those parents know now. I can’t control what they do about it but I could control how I got my daughter out of that situation.
Maxabella says
You’re an awesome mother, Megan – it pains me that a parent standing up for their child should cause an uproar. What fools many parents are… and I use the term ‘fools’ with respect… of course I do… 🙂 x