“How was school today?” you ask brightly.
“Good!” your daughter answers.
“I can’t remember,” your son mutters.
In homes across Australia and, let’s face it, the entire world, this is the scenario being played out. When our kids get home from school we are like eager puppies bouncing around them and they are like fellow puppies, let off the leash and racing away.
A vague question like “how was school today?” just becomes part of the getting-home-from-school ritual. A glass of milk, a quick “dunno” and they’re out the door. If we really want to reconnect with them and get to know them through their day, we’ve got to be clever with our questioning.
The trick is to not sound too detective-like. You don’t want to appear over-eager or raise their suspicions – too many questions makes them think you’re fishing for something to get them in trouble over (or is that just my lot?). We need questions that are specific but open-ended enough to result in an answer that the kids themselves are interested in.
“Did” questions can often result in a “yes” or “no” answer (Did you enjoy your lunch? Did you play with anyone new?). “What” questions are always good (What did you most enjoy at lunchtime?). Ask questions that ask for a description of their world and hopefully open up a genuine conversation.
When they get home from school today, here are 10 conversation starters to ask your child that will hopefully spark their interest.
1. What was the funniest thing you heard all day?
2. What was your favourite thing that happened today?
3. Did your teacher get cross today? What happened?
4. What subject was the most interesting today?
5. Was anyone away today? Did that make the day different?
6. What was something new you read today?
7. What happened today that you wish hadn’t happened?
8. What did you enjoy most for lunch today?
9. What are you learning about in science?
10. Did anyone do something nice for you today? Did you do something nice back?
And a bonus question that is always absolutely lovely to ask:
What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
Remember that a conversation is a two-way street. You can open up your questions with an anecdote from you own day. “I laughed so much today when I dropped my shopping all over the kitchen floor… what made you laugh a lot today?” kind of thing. Actually, I didn’t laugh at all when I dropped the shopping all over the kitchen floor today (eggs!), but maybe I should have…
Keep the conversation going and maybe, just maybe, you’ll actually get to know the answer to “how was school today?”
What’s your after-school ritual with your children?
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Raychael aka Mystery Case says
I had a friend that use to quiz her daughter the moment she walked in but she was only interested in asking after the negatives and things that had gone wrong throughout the day. I honestly believe as a result of this inquisition each and every day the child went looking for negatives that weren’t really there.
My three girls are at three different schools at the moment, so have staggered start and finish times, it’s a good chance for me to focus one on one for a quick catch up chat when they get home. If I feel there is something not quite right and they need to talk, I tend to suggest a walk to the beach. The conversation seems to flow a little too easy on these walks.
Maxabella says
There’s always a silver lining, I think. When I read that you had three at three different schools I instantly thought ‘eeeek’, but after reading how beautifully you use that time, I’m now a little bit jealous of your staggered pick ups!!
What a weird approach by your friend… I guess the worrier in all of us looks for the negatives. Poor kid. x
Reannon @shewhorambles says
I say the same thing everyday “Hey bud! How was your day?” I get the standard responses- good, boring or a shrug of the shoulders. I used to get annoyed & pump them full of questions but I’ve learnt over the years to just leave it as that & once they’ve had time to chill, eat & do their thing it all comes out. It might not come out all the same time but eventually I hear about the important things, the funny things, the annoying things.
They are 14.5 & almost 12 so I’ll take what I can 🙂
Maxabella says
I think when they get older we take any grunt as meaningful communication! x
ANB says
Haha, lawyers call questions that require a “yes” or “no” answer (“did you have fun at school today?”) or that suggest the answer (“you threw your lunch out, didn’t you?”) “leading questions”. If you want a short answer or an answer that you’ve basically supplied or predicted, ask a leading question. If you want the person you’re questioning to be descriptive, it has to be a non-leading question (“what did you you do today?”)
Maxabella says
I like the lawyerly approach! x
Robyn says
Fantastic!! It’s quite comforting to know that there are other kids and families out there just like mine. I am definitely going to give these a try x
Maxabella says
I think kids genuinely forget most of what happens in a day unless prompted! x
Lisa says
Love these ideas Bron. I need to build up the communication bank before my boys hit their teens and all I hear is grunting in unison.
Maxabella says
That’s exactly what I figure, Lisa. If we can’t have a good conversation now, what on earth am I going to do when they are teens! Eek! x
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
We usually do this at dinner time and being a journo I have a nice list of questions that give me lots more answers than just yes and no, although as they grow they will probably clam up more!!
Maxabella says
Dinner time is a great time for a chat, I agree. x
Jess says
Great suggestions! Another one to try is the old reverse psychology: “So I bet you didn’t talk to anyone today” “I reckon the teacher just played games with you all day”. This can then usually get a rousing “NO, thats not what happened…this happened!”
dear olive says
THIS is such a great conversation for us to have – thanks for the great ideas that I will make sure I remember! I often ask Olive to tell me three things about her day. It’s so annoying that they;re not more forthcoming, isn’t it. Kellie xx
Bele @ BlahBlah says
I’m defo going to give these a shot. My favourite recently when my boy’s preschool had a special drumming class and I asked my boy what exciting things happened that day and he said, Mr Fitzgerald read a story about trucks. Well, that says a lot, I thought x
Ronnie says
Awesome, Maxabella! I am going to put these into practice tomorrow!!!
Ronnie xo
Maxabella says
They really do seem to work, Ronnie. x
Tash says
Love it Bron! Such value in asking open-ended questions! Hope you don’t mind me sharing it on a blog post xx
Maxabella says
I am delighted and honoured, Tash. x
Holly says
When I was teaching, I would run through questions like this at the end of every day. Otherwise children do just forget and these types of questions help to consolidate the learning they have made or process their emotions from the day x
Maxabella says
I do think they just forget! Kids LOVE talking about themselves if given the right introduction! x
Meaghan O'Brien says
I have seven little cherubs and at dinner time we go around the table one by one asking one other person”what was the favourite part of your day?”. If we remember we then again go around and ask “what did you learn today?”. A one person asks one other, I hope it leads to learning the art of conversing with others (especially as 6 of them are boys) and we all have to listen to the responses. I haven’t told them it really is about keeping me sane with controlling the kind of conversations and the noise level whilst eating! Love your ideas, maybe i should put a list of questions up that can be asked and the second time around they can choose…
Maxabella says
I think you should stick with your lovely routine, Meaghan. It sounds blissful and, you’re right, a great way to ‘control’ the dinner time chaos with lots of little kidlets. I think three is louder than life, so I imagine it must be deafening when they all get going at your place. I just want my kids to learn to love to talk like their mumma loves to talk!! !x
Maxabella says
Thanks Tash. x